I know I'm not the only mom who lays awake at night thinking about the day.
I replay episodes in my head and most days I go to bed with plenty of grace. I've learned to accept it. To accept that I'll mess up or make mistakes or lose my temper. But other nights I will replay an episode in my head and it's all I can do to just shut my eyes tight and wish for the new day to come already so I can start it all over and do better.
I was having one of those moments tonight. Replaying a scene in my head. How I acted. How I sort of lost it over the girls picking up their toys, and Asher leaving his shoes in the middle of the stairs. As I replayed it in my head I saw myself as this crazed lady yelling over such silly things. And then I started to want to shut my eyes tight and make the day be over. Wishing I had stayed calm. That I hadn't over reacted.
But then I remembered the minutes just after. How even after I acted that way, even after I felt so unworthy of love or affection...my kids still come to me and want to hug me, or kiss me, snuggle me, or just be with me.
Bella does this thing where she will randomly come up to me, give me the biggest hug she can and say "you're the best mom in the whole wide world." Sometimes it's as if I didn't just yell at her for spilling her milk (again) or get on to Asher to finish his homework, or remind Mia (for the 100th time) not to touch other peoples things. Those times where I feel like the mom who is constantly correcting or disciplining. The mom who is tired and at a total loss of patience...
They don't see that mom.
They see past all of my crazy and they see me. They know me. They know who I am and how much I really love them. And they are confident in that. At the end of the day, whether I think it was a good one, or a bad one, my kids get tucked into bed knowing their momma loves them without any doubt.
It is such a beautiful reflection of God's love and grace. No matter how much we mess up and regardless of how we see ourselves,...Nothing changes. He loves us the same.
As I was writing this I was reminded of a video I saw not too long ago. It goes hand in hand with what I feel God speaking to me tonight. I thought I would share it. Praying it encourages you too if you are needing it.
Elevation Church on Vimeo.