I have gone over so many words in my head today. So many have flooded my mind. But right now I don't even know where to start.
Today was a hard day. I have cried more tears than I have in a long time. Even now they won't stop. My head hurts, my heart is raw and my eyes are puffy. In a way I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep it all away.
But words just keep coming and all I have ever known to do with them is to write them.
A few weeks ago, on November 7th, we found out we were pregnant with our 4th baby. A baby we have always known would be. Always known we wanted. The only question we had was when it would be. We waited a long time after having Mia to let ourselves be ready. She turned 3 on the 29th and we told all of our family that day that she was going to be a big sister.
I debated on telling people, but then decided that regardless of age, this baby was our baby from the moment of conception. And that we would celebrate every single day of it, just as we do our other children.
I have shared our story from the very beginning. I have opened my heart to others because in a way it has helped heal me. I have found that in our own vulnerability and honesty, in our raw-ness...God had used us most. And that is always my hope in sharing our story.
I thought that this time, I would be stronger. I would be braver. I had learned and rested and I had waited. But when you hold the life of a precious soul in yours, the life you want more than anything....all of the weight of the world seems to be on your shoulders. No amount of time can prepare you for that.
It's not that I thought I could control anything. Like anything I did or didn't do could change what happened. I have freedom in knowing I couldn't have changed it. I'm thankful for that freedom.
But my heart is broken tonight. The baby I just barely got to know, but loved so much, will never be in my arms on this earth.
We had a dr appointment today and just as the baby appeared on the ultrasound screen, I just knew.
I said the words before my doctor could because I knew they would be hard.
... No beating heart.
Today at nearly 9 weeks, we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating at 8 weeks.
Our doctor, whom we love so much, said to us that God must really trust us with all that we have been through. I have thought about those words a lot today. It is not that I don't think I can handle everything I've walked through, and more....I just don't know why I have to.
I do know this....my losses have never been this early. My heart has always gone out to moms who lose a baby early on, but I never felt tied to that loss. Like I knew it. I have known the loss of 20 & 24 week old baby girls, laying in my arms.... But this is new to me. This struggle of never knowing or seeing a baby, of it being so new and small, yet still loving it beyond comprehension, is a hard one. I know this loss now. It is a new one for me, but I know it now.
We had to tell the kids and I was dreading it. They have already become so involved and excited about this new baby. Already kissing my tummy and talking about names. Bella would tell me each morning that she prayed for the baby the night before. When we told her that the baby had gone to heaven, some of her first words were "but how could this happen? I prayed for it every single night!"
Those words broke me. I wanted to say to her "my sweet girl, I have asked the same thing, and I don't have the answers"
But I know one day she'll understand better. She will learn, just like I have, that the answers may never come. But she will learn to be ok with that because her faith and trust in God is stronger than the unanswered questions. He knows better. He has a plan.
I told Brandon that this story of ours, of hope and of loss, it's not just his and mine. Our kids are watching too. Feeling and processing and walking through it with us. It will be part of their story one day too. And God will use them through it.
That is my redeeming hope.
Asher cried hard. I wasn't expecting it. Bella is my deep feeler, but Asher seemed to take this harder. I think because his understanding was more clear. Bella didn't get it right away. But Asher did and he cried harder than I have seen him cry in a long time. He buried his head in my lap and I just let him.
I know in my heart that God will use that sweet, compassionate heart of his one day.
And we will try again. We will have our 4th earthly baby one day. We're going to take a few months, but then we will try again. I know that some will question this. Wonder why we don't just give up. But we know in our hearts we were meant to have a 4th. I won't let the enemy rob me of another baby because of fear. Like Brandon said, we know the end result of the "risk" and it is worth it. Beyond worth it. Our 3 precious kids are evidence of that.
I wanted this baby more than words could say. It feels like it will be an eternity before I get to hold him or her in my arms, but I know that the day I do will be one of the sweetest days of my life. I look to that day with hope, but I will live in this day with joy.
I know my heart will heal. The time we have between heaven and earth...the time we wait to see our babies one day, is like a blink in God's eyes.
It will be soon.