She would be 6.

Today was Grace Ann's day.
The day I first held her. 
The day I said goodbye.

In years before I've grieved over the tiny baby I held that day. The little one I never knew.
The one wrapped up tight in a newborn hospital blanket.

But the other night I sat in Bella's empty room alone. We had cleaned it all out to move her into the room with Mia. 
Things had been pulled out from under the bed, drawers and deep inside her closet shelves.

One of those things was the frame my sisters made me for Grace Ann. With all of her birth stats.
I sat down on the floor and stared into the words written in black ink.
Her tiny size. She was so little.

I looked at the date. May 23rd 2007.

I counted back the years...
6.
And then a thought struck me deep in my heart so suddenly I didn't have time to filter it and the words came out....
"She would be 6 years old this year"

I haven't let myself go there before.
Imagine what it would be like to have a 6 year old daughter running around here. 
Chasing after Asher. Calling out my name when he got on her nerves.
What would she look like. What would she sound like? What would her personality be like.

The tears started to come quicker than I could stop them until I was finally just crying.
Something I don't always let myself do. I think partly because I'm afraid I won't stop.
And partly because I fear people will wonder why I'm grieving so hard over a little girl I didn't know.
Especially since I have a beautiful one who came just a year after.

If I'm truthful that's really what it is.
 Guilt.
For missing Grace.
For imagining her here on earth.

Because if she were here, then we wouldn't have Bella.
And that thought alone is enough to stop me in my tracks and wipe away the tears.
Keep moving forward. Keep looking forward.

It's what I've always done.
It's what I know to do.
"Grace was sick. She's perfect and healthy in heaven now.
You have Bella. Sweet beautiful Bella.
Wipe those tears, you have no reason to cry"

I've cried many times for the tiny baby I held in my arms 6 years ago.
But the other night I let myself cry for the little girl who would be 6 now.  

There's a part of my heart that aches at the thought of her. 
Aches with guilt when I miss her.
But I have to know it's ok...

It's ok to miss a little girl I never knew, 
because I hold on to the hope that I will one day.  

It's ok to cry for what may have been while
 treasuring and loving every bit of what is now.

It's ok to say "She would have been 6" 


>>><<<<

I can't help but think today about the many of you who read my blog, because you know our story.
And because you can relate in some way. You've lost your own little baby too soon.
I want you to know that you are why I continue to write my story.
Every time I begin to doubt myself or start to want to step away, an email will pop up in my inbox, or I will hear from a mom who is hurting from her own loss. Or a sister, a grandma, an aunt, a friend who knows someone that lost a baby. Searching for something to hold on to. For hope.

Today, I'm thinking of you too. I'm praying for you. 
That the steps of grief are gentle but complete.
That you find ways to reach out to others who are hurting and help yourself heal in turn.

Don't be afraid to let your heart go where your mind won't often let it.
Allow the tears to come when they need to and smile with joy for the treasures in front of you. Because there are truly so many to find each day.
Keep moving forward, keep looking forward. 
Hold tight to His grace. To hope. To the knowledge that we will one day hold our sweet babies again.

And cry when you need to.

It's ok.

Bella's Rainbow Birthday Party

We celebrated Bella's 5th birthday party this past Sunday afternoon. 

The theme was rainbows and I had a ton of fun finding ways to incorporate the theme. 

Dollar Store and Target were my best friends in planning. I literally wandered the party aisles looking for things I could use. 

That is always my favorite part to party planning---getting creative without spending a ridiculous amount of money.  

I don't think kids parties are an area to go crazy in and bust the budget. I also think they should be stress free, fun and open for error. 

I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist. But I have to let that go whenever it comes to things like this.

Because it was warmer that day we had to keep the food covered and we ran out of drinks and the rainbow and clouds I made {similiar to this} 

for the dessert table back drop didn't exactly "translate" when I tried to hang it. 

The clouds kept falling, the rainbow kept blowing like crazy. And I ended up scrapping the clouds in the end.

Oh Lawd. The perfectionist in me definitely wanted to cry.

But always always I remind myself it's not about the show or display, but about who we are celebrating.

And this day it was all about this girl.

 

I think she had just as much fun in planning with me as she did at the actual party. 

I could tell she felt proud to have had her hand in it so much. She did most of it all right along side me.

The food was easy to plan. 
There were so many ideas for incorporating the colors of the rainbow. 

It was a 4 o clock party on a sunday, so we just did snacks knowing people would likely not be too hungry after a late lunch. 

We had: 

White chocolate covered popcorn with sprinkles.

 Chocolate covered pretzel rods with sprinkles {a party staple around here}

Funfetti Cake Dip with animal crackers. {A box of funfetti cake mix, 1 1/2 cups of cool whip and 2 cups of plain yogurt} If you have never made this, you need to. It's addictive.

Rainbow Fruit Kabobs

Skittles with a little candy scooper and mini candy cups I found at Target.

Bubblegum

Chips and Dip

Freeze Pops

 

 

 

I found these gigantic lollipops at the dollar store. I took the original wrapper off because it looked sort of cheesy and generic. 

So we put our own on and just used those clear plastic treat bags you can find at Michaels.

They were obviously a hit with the kiddos. 
What kid wouldn't love a lollipop the size of their head. 
And the parents all thanked me for the sugar highs as well. 
Don't mention it guys.

The cupcakes were my personal favorite. They were so cute, and so easy to make! 

A little tedious yes, but fun.I went off a picture my sister sent me from pinterest.

I colored the white frosting with blue food-dye and used a pastry bag filled with white icing for the little clouds. 

The rainbows are airhead extreme sour belts that I cut in half.

From the second she got there, my niece Olivia 
was begging any one who would listen, for a cupcake. 

She finally got one after we sang happy birthday and I think she was pretty excited about it. 

I just love her.

And I love this picture because Mia wasn't understanding the concept that the presents were for Bella. She kept insisting they were hers too. 

Cracks me up how she has her hands on this one. When we got home and unloaded all of the presents she kept yelling "My toys!".....
Sweet Bella is thankfully so patient with her ;) 

We did face drawing, bubbles, chalk, and had big blow up beach balls. 

Anything to keep the kids going. It was so hot but they were all troopers and I think they had a blast nonetheless.

These two have been friends since they were around a year old. So special to watch them grow up together. My Asher boy is becoming more and more of a little man every day and it makes my stomach hurt. I make him promise me he'll always love his mama like he does now. He jumps on me with a gigantic hug and promises he will but I will remind him of that when all those pretty girls start chasing him. Lord help me. 

As I was  looking through these pictures, I realized how perfect this rainbow theme is for our Bella girl. She was the beauty that came out of some dark days. Our rainbow after the storm. May 23rd will be 6 years since we said goodbye to her sister Grace. Almost one year later on the 16th of May, we held Bella in our arms.

And since that day she has been a joy. A bright, beautiful reminder of God's promises. 

Our rainbow girl. 

Happy Birthday Bella Grace. 

I love you more than words could say.

 

{Here Comes The Sun print is from Pen & Paint}