On April 30th, at 9 weeks, it was confirmed that we were expecting twins. We went in for our first dr. appointment and saw our two precious babies, heard their two beating hearts, and fell in love instantly with our "double portion." At first I was hesitant to get "too excited," to allow myself to freely rejoice and to open not only my heart, but myself, to others as well. But the Lord spoke to my heart and I knew that in my fear, I was not allowing God to receive the glory that was due to Him. I was allowing fear to dictate my actions, rather than my faith. So by faith, I let myself feel the joy, I allowed myself to show it. I decided I would not allow the enemy to steal my joy-- he'd taken enough from me already. So, tonight as I write this, I want you to know, I still have that joy. I once read somewhere that happiness is based on "happenings" but joy is based in God- on the knowledge that He is in control and that He loves us so, so much. It is with that knowledge that I can still smile, that I can still look at my growing tummy and want to cry tears of joy, even knowing that we have lost one of our sweet babies. Last Friday at 16 weeks, I woke up feeling very uneasy. I couldn't put my finger on it I just knew something was off. I called in to my dr.'s office about something that had been bothering me for over a week (which turned out to be something totally unrelated) and they said I should go ahead and come in. In my heart I knew what I was concerned about wasn't anything, yet, I had a tugging in my spirit that wouldn't let go. We began the ultrasound and it was evident right away that one of the babies was no longer alive. I'm not going to lie, I was in shock. We saw both our sweet babies at 12 1/2 weeks and they were doing great. My dr. told me it wasn't long after that that he/she passed away. I was in denial. I believed so strongly that I would have these babies. Any time doubt, worry, or fear would creep in, I stood on the Word and the promises I knew. So when I was being told differently I thought for sure there was a mistake. The last couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotions. I've felt angry (at the enemy), I felt sad, I felt so confused, I felt robbed...and then....I felt peace. I've prayed and prayed for peace. The night we found out we lost our baby I went to sleep praying (begging God) for peace to cover me as I slept. I woke up many times that night and each time I was singing a different song in my spirit- all of them about peace. I woke up with scriptures about peace being quoted through my mind and heart.When I finally woke up that morning I was singing "It is Well"....I was singing every word. If you asked me now, I could not, for the life of me, remember all the words to that song on my own. God's spirit overwhelmed me with His peace. I have to say, I'm pretty sure the enemies plan through all of what we've been through, has been to diminish us of our faith, but actually, all I have to cling to is my faith. If I allowed my emotions, my mind or my logic to rule, I would be lost. But thank the Lord I have Him, because He is truly the only way I have the strength, peace, and joy to go on. I also stay focused on what I DO have and daily sing praises to Him for it. My two precious kids are THE most amazing little human beings to me and I am absolutely head over heels in love with them. How precious our little children are. Truly.
Throughout all of this, the word "glory" has permeated my spirit. It has echoed in my mind and heart and I knew our little girl would be named Glory. There was something about the little girl I knew was growing inside. This little Glory baby has a destiny to bring honor and glory to our amazing Lord and Savior. We went to our previously scheduled dr. appointment today and got to see our baby. We found it is indeed a little girl! Our Glory was moving all around and growing perfect. How good our God is.....ALL of the time.
Although we mourn for the baby that we lost, we are overflowing with joy for our sweet baby girl growing and thriving inside of me. Although the enemy has stolen our time here on earth with our precious baby(ies) he can never steal the eternity we will share with them. Brandon and I have 4 babies that will be waiting for us at the gates of heaven and how happy I will be to look into each of their faces, hold them, sing to them, and be their mommy. Until then I know they are in the hands of the most amazing Father ever.
I didn't expect to "introduce" my blog in this way, but it has been something I've known that I am meant to do. It's been a work in progress for many months, and by work in progress I mean the work has all been going on inside of me ;) God has been performing a work in me, in my heart, my mind, my spirit...that I know is meant for this. I'm not sure of the direction it will go, but I'm not going to try to figure it out and just let God lead me. If there is one thing I've learned (although there has been many) through these last few years, it has been that I may never know the answers to my "whys".... but that's OK.
I know this is a heavy first entry but I also know God's timing is perfect and I simply could not ignore that still small voice any longer. So as I continue to write through this blog, I pray that my words of Faith, my heart of Hope, and my life of Love can be a testimony and witness...and most of all bring honor and glory to Him.