This little baby has been so active the last few days. Every time I feel her move, I am overwhelmed with love for her. How can I love this baby so much already? A mother's love is amazing. It is instant. I will never forget the very first moment I held Bella. I remember feeling such an intense amount of relief just to be holding her...finally! I remember telling her over and over again "I've waited and waited for you!!" The road leading to that moment hadn't been easy. We'd lost our first little girl Grace Ann almost a year before to the date. I had been in that same hospital, on the same floor, with the same Dr. and with some of the same nurses, just one year before. Only I didn't get to walk away with a healthy beautiful girl. I walked away with my memories of her and the knowledge and hope that I would hold her one day in heaven. I prayed and asked the Lord to bless me with another sweet girl and he did. Isabella Grace. When I look at her I see her sister Grace. She is gorgeous, opinionated and strong willed. She has such a strong personality that I am convinced she must have qualities of her sister Grace, her twin (who we lost early in the pregnancy) and herself rolled into one little sassy girly-girl. She keeps us all in line!
My pregnancy with Asher was SO easy. Completely free of complications. I was so naive, so blissful...so innocent. I didn't know heart ache, I had never felt loss. He came into my world and turned it upside down. I was now a mother and would never be the same again. I couldn't imagine a more priceless gift than my first little boy who taught me how to stretch myself beyond what I ever could have imagined. And he still does. I always say Bella has her daddy wrapped around her tiny little finger...well that Asher has his momma's heart right in the palm of his chubby little bear claw hand.
When I think of how overwhelmingly I love my children, I instantly think of how much God loves us. To think that He loves us more than any love we could ever know here on earth, is hard to imagine. I know many people question, wonder, and some have actually asked...-How can Brandon and I still have faith and love for God after everything we've been through- It may be hard to understand but I love the Lord even more. These trials that we have walked through have only caused me to look to Him even more. I often times say that I truly do not know how or what I would do without Him. Any strength you see in me, is not my own. I am strong because I allow Him to be through me. My flesh is weak. My emotions are unstable. My heart is saddened. My mind battles. But through God, I am strong, I am at peace, I am filled with joy and I have a sound mind. All because of Him.
I serve a loving, gracious God. I believe we live in a fallen world and tragedies happen that we may not understand. I believe He allows for things to happen. Do I understand why he would allow them? No. What I do know is that we are all here for one purpose and that is to show God's love in order to lead others to an everlasting life with Him. If what I have been through and the testimony in which I am grounded on (although it is still unfolding) can encourage, witness, show God's love, mercy and grace, then I am thankful. Because I know that every tear I have cried over the babies we have lost- has done something....has been for something.
Tonight as I sit feeling my sweet baby moving and I listen to the noises of night time in our home...I know God's peace fills this place. I know His love sings over me, His grace sustains me. And as I think about how much I love my sweet children, I remember that day in the hospital when I held Bella for the first time and told her "I've waited and waited for you!!" and felt such an enormous amount of love and joy...I know that must be how God feels when one of his children comes running to Him. He wants us to need Him. He wants us to lean on Him, rely on Him, and most of all allow Him to do the work for us and through us. That is the only way through it all. Being a mom has been the source of both my greatest joy and my most heart breaking loss. But through it all, I have come to an even greater understanding of God's love for me..... For us.