...and I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning for what seems like hours. I went to lay down and snuggle with each of the kids, thinking it might put my mind at peace. They don't even know I'm there. I wanted them to though. I wanted to wake them up and tell them I always would be.
It's beginning to hit me. I'm going to be a mom of 3 soon. Very soon. And I keep wondering- will I be able to do it? How am I going to divide myself- my attention- into 3 different little individuals who each have completely different needs.
All of the hoping, the praying, waiting...it's all been for this and now that it is almost here, I'm asking myself- Am I ready?
I remember being pregnant with Bella and wondering how Asher would react to a new sister. I wondered if he would be jealous or feel like I wasn't giving him enough attention. Then Bella entered our world and it was as if she'd always been there. He fell in love with her just as hard and quick as we all did.
I have so many thoughts running through my head. Will I be able to show Asher that he is and will always be my first born little boy...my heart. Will Bella know she is still our princess girl, our sweet gift from heaven.
I know, of course that this is nothing new. I remind myself that I am a 3rd child out of 4 and never questioned my place or the love and attention of my parents. And then I think, of course you didn't Laura, why would you. They loved us all the same.
So why this feeling in my stomach that won't let me sleep? Why the knot in my chest from choking back tears...
Someone asked me the other day if I was ready. I don't know why but it was hard to process my answer to that question. My immediate response was yes. Because it should be, right? Of course I'm ready. I've waited so long for her. For our sweet Mia Glory, who I already love so much. So why did my mind have a hard time agreeing with my heart. Why did I walk away asking myself- Are you ready?
Maybe it's been just that- all of the waiting, all of what we've been through to get here. The path we've been on...It's been so long and hard that now that we are reaching the end it's as if it's not real. I know that may be hard to understand, but I can't fully explain it. It just doesn't seem real that I will be holding our new baby girl in my arms in just a short matter of time.
As I lay tossing and turning, I started thinking ahead to what I thought it might be like... The moment I have all 3 kids surrounding me with my precious husband beside me and I honestly felt my heart aching. Not out of sadness of course, but from it feeling so full of love that it just might burst. And that was just in my imagination. What will it be like when it really happens. I can't even fathom it...
...A completion is how I can best explain it. A part of our lives that was left undone will be completed. I will be holding a healthy little girl in my arms almost one year to the day that we would were due with her sister Faith. I looked in the face of my sweet baby girl and had to say goodbye too early. But now, now that I do have a healthy baby girl who is almost here, really here, it's almost too much for me to grasp.
I know in those moments when I first hold her, I will feel a peace. Like the 3 have always been. I can only believe that yes I will be able to show all 3 of them how much they mean to me and how much I love them, because it's really all I know. I've been blessed to always know love so it's really all I can show.
That is what I have to settle in my spirit tonight, as I try once again to fall asleep and keep myself from going into their rooms and snuggling them up to me. I just have to know that my heart and our world will expand for this little girl. I just have to know that God gives us as mothers the ability to be all and do all... through Him.
And that yes our little Glory girl really is going to be here soon.
I am so thankful that God grants us peace right where we are, in whatever situation we need Him in. And that although I may not be able to understand or fathom it all now, his peace surpasses all of it.