Thursday, June 24, 2010

Jett Samuel

Since finding out we were pregnant with twins, I knew in my heart it was a boy and girl and we always knew we would name our next son Judah Charles and this little girl was to be named Glory. Asher has always been very involved with the pregnancy, he loves to go to the Dr. appointments with us especially if it's an ultrasound and as much as we've been there over the years, he is very familiar with the office and with "Dr. Cott" as he calls him. When I was pregnant with Isabella, he would go to almost every appointment with me and each time, he somehow snuck a toy block or two from the waiting room into his pocket and by the end of the pregnancy he had a nice little collection. We still have those blocks mixed in with our other ones! (Thanks NE OBGYN!) ;)
So, of course he was so excited when we told him there were two babies in mommy's tummy. One of his first responses was "I can't wait to see their little hands!" He has also been very vocal about what he thought the boy baby's name should be. For some reason, he got stuck on and loved the name "Jett"...where he heard it, I have no idea but when I would correct him and tell him the baby boy's name is Judah, he just wasn't ok with it. I tried to explain to him that just like Jesus helped us name him Asher, He also helped us name our new baby boy Judah. It didn't fly. I thought for sure Jesus could convince him...apparently not.
The day we found out we lost one of the babies, he wasn't with us. Thank God because I ended up crying then and there in the room....he is so sensitive to my emotions and I know he would never have forgotten it if he'd been there. So, knowing I would have to tell him, I asked the Lord for the words and thought I had a little time to think about how I would tell him, but shortly after we got home, Asher being Asher, asked right away what happened at the Dr... I was sitting on the floor with him so we were eye level and he was looking at me right in the face. My eyes started to tear up so I turned away quickly and told him we would talk about it later but, Asher being Asher again, insisted I tell him. I looked back at his little face and said "Asher, we found out today that one of the babies has already gone to heaven." His immediate response was, "So there is still one in your tummy!?" I love that he saw it that way right away. Isn't that how we should all always be? What child like faith, what sweet innocence and acknowledgment for what we do have.
That night I let him lay in bed with me for a little bit-- it's where some of our most sweetest, profound conversations have happened. He asked me if the baby that went to heaven was a boy or girl and I told him we didn't know yet. He asked if he prayed to Jesus to tell him, if I thought Jesus would. I told him we could pray and ask Jesus if he really wanted to know. So we did. Yesterday, when we went to our dr. appointment my sister Jacquelin stayed with the kids. She told me a story that makes my heart smile and I know was my sweet Jesus reminding me once again that He is in the midst of this. Asher told her that one of the babies in mommy's tummy went to heaven and that it was the boy, and his name was Jett. Of course, we found out at that dr.'s appointment that he was right.
One day, we will have another boy and his name will be Judah, but for the little boy we lost, I think it's pretty much been decided his name is Jett. He was named by his big brother Asher and a little help from his friend Jesus.
I have to say they did a pretty good job, turns out Jett is a Hebrew name (who knew!) for excellence, abundance, and riches. We always called these babies our double portion. They certainly are! God is so good- ALL the time!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Glory

On April 30th, at 9 weeks, it was confirmed that we were expecting twins. We went in for our first dr. appointment and saw our two precious babies, heard their two beating hearts, and fell in love instantly with our "double portion." At first I was hesitant to get "too excited," to allow myself to freely rejoice and to open not only my heart, but myself, to others as well. But the Lord spoke to my heart and I knew that in my fear, I was not allowing God to receive the glory that was due to Him. I was allowing fear to dictate my actions, rather than my faith. So by faith, I let myself feel the joy, I allowed myself to show it. I decided I would not allow the enemy to steal my joy-- he'd taken enough from me already. So, tonight as I write this, I want you to know, I still have that joy. I once read somewhere that happiness is based on "happenings" but joy is based in God- on the knowledge that He is in control and that He loves us so, so much. It is with that knowledge that I can still smile, that I can still look at my growing tummy and want to cry tears of joy, even knowing that we have lost one of our sweet babies. Last Friday at 16 weeks, I woke up feeling very uneasy. I couldn't put my finger on it I just knew something was off. I called in to my dr.'s office about something that had been bothering me for over a week (which turned out to be something totally unrelated) and they said I should go ahead and come in. In my heart I knew what I was concerned about wasn't anything, yet, I had a tugging in my spirit that wouldn't let go. We began the ultrasound and it was evident right away that one of the babies was no longer alive. I'm not going to lie, I was in shock. We saw both our sweet babies at 12 1/2 weeks and they were doing great. My dr. told me it wasn't long after that that he/she passed away. I was in denial. I believed so strongly that I would have these babies. Any time doubt, worry, or fear would creep in, I stood on the Word and the promises I knew. So when I was being told differently I thought for sure there was a mistake. The last couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotions. I've felt angry (at the enemy), I felt sad, I felt so confused, I felt robbed...and then....I felt peace. I've prayed and prayed for peace. The night we found out we lost our baby I went to sleep praying (begging God) for peace to cover me as I slept. I woke up many times that night and each time I was singing a different song in my spirit- all of them about peace. I woke up with scriptures about peace being quoted through my mind and heart.When I finally woke up that morning I was singing "It is Well"....I was singing every word. If you asked me now, I could not, for the life of me, remember all the words to that song on my own. God's spirit overwhelmed me with His peace. I have to say, I'm pretty sure the enemies plan through all of what we've been through, has been to diminish us of our faith, but actually, all I have to cling to is my faith. If I allowed my emotions, my mind or my logic to rule, I would be lost. But thank the Lord I have Him, because He is truly the only way I have the strength, peace, and joy to go on. I also stay focused on what I DO have and daily sing praises to Him for it. My two precious kids are THE most amazing little human beings to me and I am absolutely head over heels in love with them. How precious our little children are. Truly.
Throughout all of this, the word "glory" has permeated my spirit. It has echoed in my mind and heart and I knew our little girl would be named Glory. There was something about the little girl I knew was growing inside. This little Glory baby has a destiny to bring honor and glory to our amazing Lord and Savior. We went to our previously scheduled dr. appointment today and got to see our baby. We found it is indeed a little girl! Our Glory was moving all around and growing perfect. How good our God is.....ALL of the time.
Although we mourn for the baby that we lost, we are overflowing with joy for our sweet baby girl growing and thriving inside of me. Although the enemy has stolen our time here on earth with our precious baby(ies) he can never steal the eternity we will share with them. Brandon and I have 4 babies that will be waiting for us at the gates of heaven and how happy I will be to look into each of their faces, hold them, sing to them, and be their mommy. Until then I know they are in the hands of the most amazing Father ever.

I didn't expect to "introduce" my blog in this way, but it has been something I've known that I am meant to do. It's been a work in progress for many months, and by work in progress I mean the work has all been going on inside of me ;) God has been performing a work in me, in my heart, my mind, my spirit...that I know is meant for this. I'm not sure of the direction it will go, but I'm not going to try to figure it out and just let God lead me. If there is one thing I've learned (although there has been many) through these last few years, it has been that I may never know the answers to my "whys".... but that's OK.
I know this is a heavy first entry but I also know God's timing is perfect and I simply could not ignore that still small voice any longer. So as I continue to write through this blog, I pray that my words of Faith, my heart of Hope, and my life of Love can be a testimony and witness...and most of all bring honor and glory to Him.