Sunday, July 18, 2010

20 Weeks- We're half way there!

Let me just start out by saying that Orville Redenbaucher's "Movie Theater Butter Popcorn" is NOT the same as movie theater butter popcorn. Don't be fooled. I wouldn't want you to buy it at the store, wait for the right time to sit down with a bag of it- which for me would be when Bella goes to bed cause she steals all of my food. Turn on one of your shows and then mid way through your second bite or so, realize you've been tricked by the tantalizing images on the box. Trust me, it would be tragic. Especially if you are 5 months pregnant and food has the power to make or break your mood. Of course, you will still eat the entire bag because you think maybe, maybe, you will get a bite that is in fact "movie theater butter popcorn" like. Then you will look down at your empty bag of popcorn, realize why you've gained the amount of weight you have, and then call Brandon to bring you home a cherry turnover from HEB, because that might make you feel better. This is all hypothetical of course.

Speaking of the joys of food, gaining weight, and pregnancy...I finally gave up pretending that I could still wear my pre-pregnancy clothes and transitioned my closet to what I lovingly (or not so lovingly) refer to as my "pregnant/coming back down from being pregnant" clothes. A few weeks ago I had Brandon bring my big tub of maternity clothes out of the garage, then I put the tub in a corner of my room and would pick here and there from it pretending I didn't have to be in full on maternity. Finally, it reached the point where I wasn't even going in my closet anymore and was just having to dig through the tub every time I went to get dressed. At this point I decided it was time to make the change. Or maybe it was last week when Asher made a comment about how big my stomach has gotten. He's been trained well because he quickly recovered by saying "but it's because Glory is growing so healthy and big!"….He'll make a good husband one day. Yes Asher, we will pretend it's ALL Glory and nothing to do with mommy's addiction to Shipleys. Lord have mercy on me when I go to my next Dr. appointment and get weighed. Lord have mercy.

Glory is in fact growing perfectly and beautifully. We had an ultrasound last Friday and it was all I could do to not reach through the monitor and grab her and kiss her. Our sweet girl was moving and squirming all over the place. She can thank her mama and the Diet Dr. Pepper she may have had before the appointment. It's a possibility. However, this little girl just seems to be a mover in general. Morning, afternoon, evening...doesn't matter, she is always reminding me she's there and I love it. My mom says when she was pregnant with me I moved so much it felt like a washing machine. It's possible that Glory may have some of my temperament..this could be good or bad, depending on who you ask.

We have another follow up with the specialist this week just to confirm all is well with little Miss Glory Rain. I love her so much already, even if she is giving her mommy an uncontrollable appetite with no rhyme or reason. I'll gain all the weight in the world if it means holding my sweet baby girl in my arms in November.

My book says that she is the size of a mango this week and babycenter.com says she is the size of a banana. I'm going with the banana simply because I like bananas better.

I'm 20 weeks as of yesterday and decided to post a picture. It took a few tries and deleting of pictures, bless my patient husbands heart. I finally decided to look down at my tummy, because I was so enthralled by my love for Glory and how beautiful I feel carrying her...or....it was the only one where I didn't feel like I was looking back at pictures of me as a chubby faced little girl ;)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

How He Loves Us!

This little baby has been so active the last few days. Every time I feel her move, I am overwhelmed with love for her. How can I love this baby so much already? A mother's love is amazing. It is instant. I will never forget the very first moment I held Bella. I remember feeling such an intense amount of relief just to be holding her...finally! I remember telling her over and over again "I've waited and waited for you!!" The road leading to that moment hadn't been easy. We'd lost our first little girl Grace Ann almost a year before to the date. I had been in that same hospital, on the same floor, with the same Dr. and with some of the same nurses, just one year before. Only I didn't get to walk away with a healthy beautiful girl. I walked away with my memories of her and the knowledge and hope that I would hold her one day in heaven. I prayed and asked the Lord to bless me with another sweet girl and he did. Isabella Grace. When I look at her I see her sister Grace. She is gorgeous, opinionated and strong willed. She has such a strong personality that I am convinced she must have qualities of her sister Grace, her twin (who we lost early in the pregnancy) and herself rolled into one little sassy girly-girl. She keeps us all in line!

My pregnancy with Asher was SO easy. Completely free of complications. I was so naive, so blissful...so innocent. I didn't know heart ache, I had never felt loss. He came into my world and turned it upside down. I was now a mother and would never be the same again. I couldn't imagine a more priceless gift than my first little boy who taught me how to stretch myself beyond what I ever could have imagined. And he still does. I always say Bella has her daddy wrapped around her tiny little finger...well that Asher has his momma's heart right in the palm of his chubby little bear claw hand.

When I think of how overwhelmingly I love my children, I instantly think of how much God loves us. To think that He loves us more than any love we could ever know here on earth, is hard to imagine. I know many people question, wonder, and some have actually asked...-How can Brandon and I still have faith and love for God after everything we've been through- It may be hard to understand but I love the Lord even more. These trials that we have walked through have only caused me to look to Him even more. I often times say that I truly do not know how or what I would do without Him. Any strength you see in me, is not my own. I am strong because I allow Him to be through me. My flesh is weak. My emotions are unstable. My heart is saddened. My mind battles. But through God, I am strong, I am at peace, I am filled with joy and I have a sound mind. All because of Him.

I serve a loving, gracious God. I believe we live in a fallen world and tragedies happen that we may not understand. I believe He allows for things to happen. Do I understand why he would allow them? No. What I do know is that we are all here for one purpose and that is to show God's love in order to lead others to an everlasting life with Him. If what I have been through and the testimony in which I am grounded on (although it is still unfolding) can encourage, witness, show God's love, mercy and grace, then I am thankful. Because I know that every tear I have cried over the babies we have lost- has done something....has been for something.

Tonight as I sit feeling my sweet baby moving and I listen to the noises of night time in our home...I know God's peace fills this place. I know His love sings over me, His grace sustains me. And as I think about how much I love my sweet children, I remember that day in the hospital when I held Bella for the first time and told her "I've waited and waited for you!!" and felt such an enormous amount of love and joy...I know that must be how God feels when one of his children comes running to Him. He wants us to need Him. He wants us to lean on Him, rely on Him, and most of all allow Him to do the work for us and through us. That is the only way through it all. Being a mom has been the source of both my greatest joy and my most heart breaking loss. But through it all, I have come to an even greater understanding of God's love for me..... For us.