I've found myself standing in the door of Mia's nursery many times over the last few days imagining what it will be like to rock her in the chair I've rocked both Asher and Bella in and to look down at her as she sleeps in the same crib they've slept in. I daydream about what she will look like, what her personality will be, who she will resemble-- although lets face it with my track record for procreation, my odds of having a child that looks like me are slim--I can still dream though. And I do. Mainly I imagine what it will feel like the first time I hold her. The first time I feel her little body next to mine, watching her as she sleeps, her back moving up and down as she breaths. I can see it. I almost feel it. My heart and my arms ache for it.
I realized recently how much I've held in, how much I've guarded myself and my heart. As I've crept into the 3rd trimester it all becomes even more real to me. I guess no matter how hard I tried there was still a part of me I was guarding. A place in my heart I was keeping as secure as possible and slowly as time passes and I get closer to meeting my little girl, I let go a little more.
There's a line in a song that is very special to me called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson and while I love the whole song, I find one line of it ringing through my head daily- "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all the pain will fade to memories." I first heard this song right after we found out we'd lost Mia's twin. I was struggling, heart broken and confused, but then this song came on at just the right time and every word spoke to me. "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all the pain will fade to memories." I hear it over and over sometimes, as if the holy spirit hears my heart, sees my struggle and is reminding me. Maybe that is why I get so emotional thinking about the first time I will hold her. Truly, the "weight" of what a precious blessing and gift My little Glory is, is almost hard to contain.
I have to be honest, I've struggled over the last couple of months with my emotions, my feelings and my words. There's been many times that I've started to write something out and then mid way through closed it out and shut the computer. I began this blog knowing it was something I was not only meant to do, but needed to do and somewhere along the way I've lost sight of that. I've let myself care too much about what people might think. Opening myself up and my heart to others is a struggle for me, yet it's why this blog is so significant. Why the timing was so significant. This pregnancy is not only about a little girl named Mia Glory growing inside of me...it's about a God who deserves all the Glory for where I am, where he has brought me and even more so, where he is still taking me. It's about shouting from the rooftops that yes I've gone through a lot of pain, tremendous loss and heartache, but in all of that is where God has made me an overcomer. It is in my every day experiences- funny, silly, sometimes difficult, sometimes a little deeper- that God is calling me to glorify Him...through my writing. It's about God giving me a voice, a desire, a gift and using it. Sometimes that may be in a light-hearted story about one of my kids, sometimes it may be in sharing a memory, but either way it is to glorify him and I have to keep sight of that. We've all been given opportunities to bring Glory to him. Whether its in a testimony, song, writing, a special talent- whatever it is, if that gift is not being used for Him then what is it for? Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in ourselves and our lives, our insecurities and struggles that we lose sight of what it's all really about.
As I stood in Mia's room tonight, my heart was overcome with emotion. Not from the memories of what's been lost, but out of thanksgiving for what is to come. When we can look at our present and be thankful, to our future and be hopeful, is when we know the past is truly behind us. Letting go of those things we struggle with and lifting our heads and hands to the One who brought us through it all...giving Glory to Him, that is when we know the healing has begun...the pain, fading to memories.