Sometimes I look at Bella and wonder "where did the time go?"
While I was pregnant with Faith, I was in and out of the hospital, put on bed rest and then dealing with the loss...it was a very emotionally consuming time for me.
And during that same time, Bella was going from a baby to a toddler.
It happened so fast.
But what I have learned is that the more I try to grab a hold of time, the more I lose control of it. So it's better to just live in it. I try not to dwell on how fast my kids are growing up and instead just enjoy the moment, the phase, the age, that they are in now.
I don't want to ask "where did the time go." I want to do what I can to savor moments, but more importantly I want to live them out. Be present in them.
Some of the most ingrained memories I have, I can remember being completely present....I wasn't worried about taking a picture, or writing it into words...I was just living in it...feeling it, experiencing it.
When I was a little girl, I would do this thing when I was in the middle of something I really wanted to remember...I would close my eyes, take it all in and say to myself "I'm glad it's right now, I'm glad it's right now, I'm glad it's right now".
Sounds so silly now, but I wanted to be sure to be present in the moment so I would remember it.
Tonight, I walked into Bella's room to check on her after Brandon had put her to bed. She was moving around, so I started to brush her hair with my fingers as she fell back to sleep. But just as I turned to walk out, she whispered "don't stop mama."
It reminded me of when I was a little girl. I remember my mom scratching my arm until I fell asleep. I remember her pulling my hair up from around my neck as I laid down on my pillow and then she would fluff the pillow around my head. I remember how much I loved to fall asleep knowing my mom was right there. It felt so secure, so cozy.
There are some things you just can't capture in words or pictures.
Tonight as I scratched Bella's head and listened to her breathing get deeper and deeper, I closed my eyes and said to myself "I'm glad it's right now, I'm glad it's right now..
I'm so glad it's right now"