Thursday, July 7, 2011

Calling Grace Mine


May 21st, 2007

Asher was about a year and a half years old. I was 20 weeks pregnant with our new baby. It was our 20 week ultrasound appointment to find out if we were having a boy or girl. Brandon, my mom and two sisters were there. We were so excited.

As the lights went dim and the ultrasound screen lit up the room, I felt it. I didn't know what it was, but I felt something. I saw it on everyones faces as I looked around the room. Saw it on our doctors face. Felt it in the silence.

Finally the words came..."Things do not look right. I'm so sorry, but there is no heart beat."

Those words. Such heart wrenching words. I didn't know how to handle them. I didn't know how to accept them. A hand reached out to take mine, to help me sit up. But I didn't want to. Sitting up meant it was real. Sitting up meant it was true. My baby was not alive.

My first questions were not, "Why" but "How"...

How
am I going to get through this.

How
am I going to face the world.

How am I going to go home and wait 2 days before I could be admitted to the hospital.

How
was I going to walk around knowing I'm carrying a baby that was not alive.

How did I not know?

How did this happen?

How
was I going to deliver my baby.

How
was I going to react when I saw her or him.

How?


Grace

I woke up the morning we were to go to the hospital to deliver the baby. I sat up in bed. I couldn't get out. I couldn't stand. I cried out to God. I didn't know if I could do this.

That prayer was one that has changed my life. Changed me.

In my moment of weakness. In my moment of desperate need. God met me.

I knew that I could get up and face the day with my head help up. That I could do this. And that I had a choice to make. Face this day with God's strength and grace, or crumble right there to the ground and never get back up.

I got up.

I delivered a baby girl. We held her and said goodbye to her. I was on so much pain medicine that the details are a little blurry but there a few details that I remember clearly.

I remember right before I was going to push, I got a wave of peace come over me. Words came out of my mouth that were not my own " I can do this"

I remember our parents standing around the bed, holding her. I remember what it looked like. But it didn't feel real. I just wanted to lay back down and pretend it wasn't happening. I'm thankful for that memory though. As we prayed over her little life. As we kissed her goodbye.

And we named her, Grace Ann. It was the only name for her. It was her.

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Grace.

That was 4 years ago this past May and I'm still learning grace. I still think about those moments. I still think about her.

I think about that day in May often. Not because of the pain and loss and hurt, but because of the real revelation of Grace that I found in those moments. The day I held my baby girl and named her Grace Ann. I took her up in my arms and held her. I called her mine.

I called Grace mine.

Do we remember to do that each day? Do I remember to do that each day? The answer is no.

Grace is for everyone and something we are granted every day. It's what makes us who we are. Makes us better people. Washes over our flaws and sins and bridges the gap between our short comings. It's what brings beauty out of ashes and hope from loss. It's a gift we are given new each day. It meets us at our weakness. It makes us-sinners- beautiful before His sight.

I fall, I make mistakes. I speak before thinking, react before processing, judge before knowing, want without needing, forget to thank, forget to wait, forget to ask, forget that grace is freely given for me through that.

But God reminds me. Grace is mine. A gift to take new each day.

I went to bed last night thinking about something that happened with Bella earlier in the day. She did something she wasn't supposed to. I reacted. I got angry. I lost my temper.

I kept replaying the pictures in my head. The things I said. The way I reacted. And I beat myself up over it. I cried to God. Forgive me God.

I fell asleep praying. God help me to be patient, to be quick to teach and to listen. Slow to anger. God help me to be the parent she needs. God forgive me. Help me to show her grace and love and to show her how to handle situations in a calm way. Give me new opportunities to show her how. Not just talk about it, but to show her.

This morning I woke up thinking about my baby girl Grace. God was reminding me. My Grace is yours to take today. Take it.

A new day. New chances to take His Grace. To let it meet me right where I am. All of my imperfections and short comings. He's there to help me through them. I just have to take it. Scoop it up in my arms and call it mine.

It is only 9 am and already, Bella has spilled her yogurt and splattered it all over the kitchen floor and then spilled her chocolate milk all over the rug.

I took her in my arms and I held her. I told her it was ok. It was an accident. Then I took a deep breath as she watched me bend down to clean it. And there on my knees, God whispered....Take it. Take my Grace. Call it yours.

My sweet Bella girls middle name is Grace.

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She was the baby girl that God blessed us with after we lost her sister. Such a sweet daily reminder to take up God's grace every single day and to call it mine.


"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"

Call grace yours. 

29 comments:

  1. ugly crying during naptime. can we meet in real life and hug and cry for a bit?

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  2. Oh Laura, what a beautiful post. I can't imagine the heartache but I'm so thankful for your honesty and your trust in the Lord. I am often amazed at the situations God walks us through and His promise in Romans 8:28. xoxo

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  3. Beautiful! My first read on your post and what a read it was! Thank you for sharing. I will be passing this along for friends.

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  4. "God help me to be patient, to be quick to teach and to listen. Slow to anger. God help me to be the parent she needs" As I read your story today. I cried! I cried even more when I read the above qoute. It's exaclty what I needed to hear and it's something I have been trying to work on with my children. I will engrave that in my heart and pass that along to my other half. And possibly every parent I know. :) Thank you for sharing that.

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  5. beautifully written.

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  6. Thank you for sharing, your post was beautifully written. Brought me to tears. My lil girls middle name is Grace as well, after Gods grace. New follower of your blog.

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  7. That was absolutely stunning. It gave me goosebumps and made me cry. You are so strong! Thank you for sharing. Gorgeous post!!

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  8. i am in tears right now. that was beautiful. your words told me a story -- a special story about your little girl. i could never imagine what you had to go through, but God truly is amazing & He helped you learn grace & He is continuing you help you because that is what he does.

    thank you for sharing.

    www.myunrehearsedlifetheblog.blogspot.com

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  9. im weeping WEEPING, you are so beautiful

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  10. oh, this was so utterly beautiful. i have been through tragedy in my life as well, but we get up and live each day to the fullest. sending love and light to you. thank you, thank you for sharing your story.

    xo.

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  11. You have an amazingly beautiful heart. God sees it. And He loves you SO much for your faithfulness. You are such an inspirational lady! You are touching lives. I know He is happy with you.

    ♥Jazmin

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  12. This brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing your story!!

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  13. Oh my heavens. This was beautiful. Thank you for your sweet sweet words! They are an encouragement. Bless you sweet soul for this post.

    Rest in his grace today!

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  14. wow I am so touched by you, by your hinesty and by your heart and by your willingness to literally embrace Grace. Im aching with you for your heartache but it is so powerful to hear how God redeems. love your blog btw....

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  15. As I choke back tears I am very grateful that you shared this. This was something that I really needed to hear today as God has been dealing with me on grace & patience toward my 2 1/2 year old & 2month old. Thank you for sharing your heart!

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  16. Such a beautiful post. Your words and strength are encouraging! Thanks so much for sharing :)

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  17. One of my favorite posts! Beautifully written. Of course I cried :) but love the way you reminded us that Gods grace is there in every situation. The big and little ones.

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  18. Thank you for sharing! I too went through the same pain three times before God blessed us with our Michaella Grace. Thank you for sharing, I really needed to be reminded of God's amazing Grace!!

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  19. seriously shedding tears. i had 4 miscarriages and found out the exact same way... a silent ultra sound screen. your words are beautiful, grace is ours. <3

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  20. This was so beautiful. I am crying. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

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  21. lots of tears here too!! Beautiful post. I posted about grace today too.

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  22. Beautiful....and so needed by ME. God is so relevant and meets us right where we are. You are so brave. I am blessed to have found your blog. Grace is mine. Much Love, Hattie

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  23. Wow. Such beautiful, true words. As a fellow mama who has lost (6) babies, I know the ache you must feel. But God has made beauty from ashes in your life and it is such a blessing to me to read these words.

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  24. this was so sad, but so very beautiful. your strength really shows, keep pressing on (:
    http://katies-favorite-things.blogspot.com

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  25. This is so beautiful. What a beautiful gift Grace has given you, given us all. God is good. <3

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  26. This is beautiful. I lost my baby early on- about 8 weeks in. A life is a life. I will never forget that pain, though Abba has healed my heart, I shall never forget that I have a precious one in the heavenlies. Thank you for your story. I was young when I lost my child. Only 17. I didn't know how to deal with it. I buried it and became angry and hurtful and stayed with someone who tore apart my worth after we lost our child. In my late 20's I finally gave it to the Lord, and I am so encouraged by you for sharing your story and touching hearts around you. You are beautiful.

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  27. We lost our daughter Leia Sky at 35 weeks. I also found out during a routine ultrasound. I remember the horrible feeling, the looks on the faces of the doctors, the OB tech. We are trying again and pray that when we have another daughter her middle name can be Leia. I really like your blog been reading for a while. Just thought I'd finally speak up. Please feel free visit mine www.letterstoleia.ca

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  28. This post is so so beautiful. I love how your words take a tragic story, and turn it into a learning lesson. Your words bring me closer to Christ, and that is priceless. Thank you for sharing your story, and inspiring me to take God's gift of Grace daily.

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  29. wow...what an amazing testimony to God! He is so good to give you a heart of joy in the midst of pain, and so much perspective for your situation...I am so sorry for your loss...and so glad for your second baby girl! Thanks so much for sharing this story:)

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