Monday, August 29, 2011

Caught Up

Ever start feeling yourself getting caught up in a whole lot of stuff, that you don't want to be? You begin to feel frustrated, resentful, annoyed at all of these tasks and to-do lists and things left to do.

I started feeling that way yesterday.

I wasn't feeling well, but instead of attempting any kind of rest, I busied myself. I started cleaning out closets, making room for new sizes and new seasons. I'd climbed up and down the stairs multiple times through the day, cleaned up mess after mess, only to find another one.

Loaded dishes and cleaned up crumbs only to find new ones hours later. I'd tried to sit down and make a few new items for the shop, only to find myself having to get up half way through.

I tried to write out lists to update my inventory and see what supplies I need to order, only to find my to-do list covered in the crayon markings of an eager 5 yr old who is into spelling everything he can.

I've had this unrealistic goal to keep all of our laundry baskets empty with the clothes folded and put away. I would fold one load, get it put away only to hear the buzzer of the dryer going off.

I swept our wood floors multiple times. But some how more rocks and dirt would appear with every opening of the door.

On top of it all, I have a big event coming up, where I will have my Splendor jewelry.  And it's all I could think about......Supplies to buy, displays to come up with, look books and price sheets...did I mention I'll actually be out of town for the show and that my BFF Carla will be running it for me? this just adds more anxiety to it all. Wishing I could be there. Not wanting to miss the opportunity, thankful for a friend like Carla.

The entire day consisted of  toys, cars, play-doh, blocks, crayons, movies,  graham crackers...all attempts to distract, so I could get my work done. But instead I felt like I was going in circles. Like a hamster on a wheel, not going anywhere but wearing myself out while trying.

I also hadn't eaten. I'd forgotten to somewhere in the middle of it all. Too distracted. Too tired. Too many thing to get done. Too caught up in it all.

The funny thing is, the kids and I stayed home from church. I hate missing church, but Mia has been really fussy the last couple of days. Running low grade fever off and on. We were all exhausted. I thought staying home would help us all get rested and ready for a new week. I was wrong.

The end of the day came and I found myself laying in the middle of Mia's room, while the kids ran, climbed and jumped over me. I was too tired to make them stop. I gave up. And being the fabulous mother that I am {{ wink }} I held in all of my worries, my exhaustion, my frustrations. I put on a smile.

But then Brandon got home. And all of those frustrations, all of the exhaustion? It all got taken out on him. I snapped at him. Blamed it on low blood sugar and not feeling well, but knew it was me. I hate when I make excuses for my own issues.

I was just resentful toward myself for not getting it all done. For not being able to do it all, and to do it well. The more I took it out it on him, the more angry I became with myself, knowing he didn't deserve it.

He didn't say a word in response to my frustration filled words. He simply went to the store for me and took both girls, came home, made us all dinner, gave them baths, put them to bed. All of this after his own long day at church and meetings. Without a word of complaint and filled with quiet love.

After everyone had fallen asleep. I sat in bed, typing out to-do lists on my phone. It was 1am. I was exhausted but my mind wouldn't rest.

I could hear Brandon breathing, in a deep sleep. That quiet love. It reminded me of God's love for us.

Then I started to pray...

And then in that quiet moment, the first quiet moment I had given to the Lord....He took it. He took that moment and filled it. With exactly what I was trying to achieve all day. Peace. Rest. Content.

This seems to be an ongoing lesson God has to teach me. I get so caught up in the tasks of the day. In trying to be it all and do it and do it all well. Even when I fall short, even when my flesh speaks out, He still loves me and waits for me to give just one moment. To surrendor it to Him.

I wish I would remember to do it. In that first flood of overwhelming emotions, I wish I could remember to surrendor it to Him.

Somewhere over the last few weeks, I stopped waking up early to pray and read. I started by putting it off one day, then the next day, then the whole week....Little by little my days became filled up instead with things to do and tasks to get done. Caught up in everything else but Him.

But this week, I have a new goal. It's not to check things off my to-do list. It's not to have the laundry done every day or the house perfect. It's not even to be super mom with loads of play dates and fun projects planned....It's one simple thing.  

Give God my first moments.  To just Be Still. Relax.

And then all of those things? They'll get taken care of.  I know this.


Help me Lord to remember to give you my moments. Each of them. To not only strive to be present with my kids and to cherish my husband and his love for me, but to first and foremost acknowledge you in each one of those. To strive to please you first. Always. 

"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself"
Luke 12:31 {Message}




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10 comments:

  1. this is SO good and so true. i felt the exact same way last week and then the last straw was when the shelf in the fridge broke and landed on my foot and all the glass jars broke everywhere.... i just left it all and walked outside and God was right there ready to walk with me.

    it is an everyday lesson because i feel bad if i dont get everything done, i feel like i'm not doing anything right and i'm never caught up and God is starting to allow me to see that it actually a tool the enemy uses to distact and keep us in a "defeated" place. thank you for sharing girlie.

    xoxo
    ashley
    www.laluceimagery.blogspot.com

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  2. This was definitely lovely. I nodded my head the whole post; you took the words out of my head!

    I'm sitting here with tears welling in my eyes. I think it's just too common nowadays to get caught up in how fast life moves and how much "needs" to be done. Why do we do this? We forget we don't have to!

    Thank you for sharing this today, it's renewed my goal to do this as well. (A local church had something like this on it's sign: God should be your key each morning and lock each night.)

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  3. I can so relate to this post! What a great hubby you have to just know what you needed and not snap back at you. I struggle with giving God my first, and even time at all. He often gets my leftovers as I feel he is the only one that will truly understand..but I dont want it to be that way either. Thanks for your inpiring post as always :-)
    Megan @ www.beautifulbitsofgrace.blogspot.com

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  4. a lesson i am learning, too. thankful for friends and spouses that encourage us in seeking jesus!

    xo

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  5. oh girl, i totally know days like this. all too often. and i'm in the same place- haven't been waking up early for my quiet time... oh how that wears away at us!?! but He's always there, just waiting to shower Grace. so thankful for Grace.

    thanks for being so open about this, we readers like to know we're not alone!

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  6. Thanks for sharing this post. I needed to read that right now - to know I'm not alone and to be encouraged.

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  7. I think that we all do this. It is so hard to get everything done with the fast paced society we live in. When I have so much to do I am all over the place like you were describing- I just have to remind myself to take it one step at a time.

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  8. I read this post yesterday.

    Yesterday, while I worried about finances, the future and other things that are bigger than me, my husband (who is also a pastor) took my daughter for a couple of hours so I could get things done. Later that day, after all of his responsibilities and meetings, he fixed two chairs (without being asked)I'd been wanting him to take care of and even later that day he let me rest, all before rushing off for a visit with a member of our congregation and then a youth bible study at our house that evening.

    All the while I worried, fretted and got upset while he quietly and lovingly went about the day.

    Thanks for your reminder. I, too, need to first make time for the one who created me and rest in the peace that He freely gives.

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  9. Thank you very much for this post. I feel like the events that you wrote about have been my days more often than not in the past few months. Its draining. I would like to blame my "not getting up early to spend time with my Bible or in prayer" on my 2yo who wont sleep through the night, but who am I kidding? I need sleep, but that extra hour in the morning wont kill me, it would most likely do just the opposite!! Maybe we should all start a little "Bible time in the morning accountability group"!! <3 thanks again!

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  10. Oh Laura, I so needed this post...I cried through the whole thing. Life more often than not gets in the way of Him. Thanks for the reminder that I need to give God my first moments. Blessings, Hattie

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