Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Center Aisle

When I first started this blog, I really had no idea what I was doing. My love for writing has always been in me and of me and just me. I can remember many times sitting on my parents bed as I read them something I had written. The same response always came...

"You should be a writer one day, Laura"

They were always so encouraging. So motivating. They empowered me with their words to go after what I loved. They still do.

Don't we all love to get encouragement? Affirmation? Acknowledgment? Some of us can try and pretend we don't need any of that. We put up a front that says, I'm confident enough in myself. I don't need validation from anyone else. If thats true, then well, pin a rose on your nose my dear cause you are better than I.

Sure, writing a post here on this blog, it may not seem like a lot to some of you. But let me tell me, for me, it's taken a bit of struggle. I've never been one to put myself out in front of people where they could critique, analyze....and dare I say...Judge.

I didn't play sports. Not because I didn't think I could, but because I was afraid of what other people would think. Afraid of failing in front of others. Afraid of setting myself up in front of other people, only to fall. Stumble. Mess up.

Then what? Would they laugh at me? Even worse, would they laugh behind my back??

I remember walking through Target one time by myself, years ago. Way before I had mastered the art of juggling multiple kids in 4 inch heels, along with pushing a cart and sipping a Diet Dr. Pepper. I was wearing some boots that were a little tricky to walk in, but by gosh, they looked good. I tripped and fell right in the middle of the aisle. Not one of those hidden aisle's either. Not the like towel aisle or card aisle, no the very large center one that runs right in the middle of the store.

Lot's of people were around, and not one of them stopped. They scattered actually. I imagine to try and hide their laughter. Cause I mean the fall was far from graceful ya'll.

One lady, one Target employee stopped to see if I was ok. She was completely serious and very concerned with whether I was ok. But do you know what I was mostly concerend with? whether she was going to walk away and laugh at me. If she was going to laugh at me, I wanted her to laugh right there, with me. So I told her to. I told her it was ok to laugh. But she didn't. Which made the situation even more akward.

I began this blog, for a pure and simple reason. Because I felt called to. Because there was a gentle nudge in my spirit saying "write it all out" Laura. All of those thoughts, feelings, emotions, words....they aren't just for you. They are meant to share. Share them.

I struggled with that nudge. That pesky nudge. For months. I pushed it away. I ignored it.

Until the day that I couldn't ignore it anymore. The day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost another baby. My precious Mia Glory's twin. At 14 weeks. Jett Samuel.

That very day, I opened up my computer and I began to write. I didn't know who I was writing to. I didn't know where God would take this blog, I really still don't. I just knew that I was doing what I was supposed to do. Writing it all out. Doing what I love. Sharing, writing, connecting. But in a way that's hard for me.

In fact I have a confession. Since you know, we're being open and all....I have gone back after publishing a post and deleted it. Sometimes days later, sometimes moments after, sometimes in the middle of the night. I let the fear of what people would think, take over.

Afraid of being so open, and letting people in too much. Letting people in gives them the ability to judge. To decide. To critique.

But you know what else I learned? Opening myself up, letting people in? It also gives people the opportunity to be blessed, to be encouraged. To be empowered in their own way and to be inspired. Thats what this about.


That is what I take from this space of mine. I stay true to myself. I try not to get caught up in numbers ... the game that it can become, and I just stay true to myself. To the person God made me to be. And with each post, each step, I become more confident in that person.

But guess what? That didn't come easy, and it didn't come from people. I had to learn, that my validation for writing whatever God put in my heart, did not come from people.


See, what I write, who I am, and what I have to say? It's no different than before. God just needed to show me where my value comes from, where my identity lies, and who I get my affirmation from.

Him.

That doesn't mean my heart doesn't still fill with so much appreciation and love when someone comments, or compliments, tells me in person, or emails me that my words touched them. It make me so happy to hear those things. But it doesn't make a difference on whether I continue to write. Because it can't.

People, our emotions, there emotions, things of this world...it's too unsteady. Up and Down. Tossed around like a wave in the ocean. How could we ever stay fixed and grounded on those things? We couldn't. And some don't. It's why some walk away from whatever they're doing. Some say, I can't do this anymore. Or worse, some don't ever try.

And he wins. The enemy. He keeps your talents and gifts for himself.  

Locked up in you. 

Last night I took some time to visit a few blogs that don't have many followers. You know the ones that you don't hear about or even know about. But they are the same kind of people. With the same kind of heart. Hearts that are looking for validation. For encouragement. Hearts that are putting themselves out here in this little blog world. With their writing or their creations, or recipes. Beautiful people. All the same as you and I.

I took just a few minutes to write a couple of comments on them. It didn't take much. Just a few couple personable words. To encourage. Because I know what its like. I know what it means to feel that bit of inspiration to keep going.

That one person, taking one moment, to say just one word. Wherever it may be, in whatever form it may be in. There is so much more than our own little world. So many people seeking, longing for love.

They and me, and you, we're all out here on this center aisle in the middle of a crowded store.  Don't scatter.

Find them and then let them find Him in you.






16 comments:

  1. Beautiful and I am not just saying it to say it. It really was. Just because no one comments doesn't mean people aren't reading it. Keep doing what u do sister bc I can promise u, people are being blessed!! <3

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  2. This is SO well said. I can relate ta all of it... Even the falling down part. Except I fell don the stairs in the middle of the mall. Then my mom scolded some teenagers for laughing at me cuz as she told them.. I could have seriously hurt myself. Ughh..
    Thank you for the encouragement and the reminder and the rebuke... All good!

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing your heart & for being true to yourself! That was exactly what I needed to hear! I am just like that in a lot of ways & often mull over situations & wonder what they really thought of me when they told me that I looked pretty today or what they would they would think of me if I said something & sounded stupid saying it. My constant over thinking in situtions & not just doing what I know that God has called me to do or say has made me loose so many blessings that I know God has wanted to give through me. Thank you again & I really enjoy your blogs!

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  4. Thank you so much for this post. I feel like it was something I could well have written myself (except maybe the falling down part...although I've had equally mortifying experiences). Thank you for putting your feelings out there!

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  5. I love how thoughtful this is. I totally know the feeling when you pour your whole heart out, and... crickets. I think those posts were still really important for me though. I still had to write them, you know?

    this also reminds me to ask you: did you get my email I sent a few weeks ago? Just wondering, hoping it blessed you :)

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  6. Laura! Love this, love your beautiful heart. Written well my friend and I totally relate.
    P.s. I Have deleted a post or two myself

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  7. what a beautiful post. thank you for your transparency. and whoa - no post-deleting. if you're writing from your heart, there's no looking back! because it's your offering, and it's acceptable and useful to the Lord, no matter how scary it feels to throw it out there. also, i have a couple awful falling stories too. one was in front of all the other parents after watching the school play my child was in. darn wedges on the grassy hillside.

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  8. I read this late last night and couldn't comment then but this is so, so good Laura. You have this way of getting out here.. what's inside. I feel/ think so much of this same thing and you have been a h-uge encouragement to me. You are a small package but have such a grand impact..you know that, right? Oh, and one more thing, at least you looked cute with those boots on down on the floor. ;)

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  9. So so true! Beatiful writing! Keep it up!

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  10. I started my blog years ago, when my oldest sone was 2ish. I felt the same way you feel..and I can say, writing is such an amazing time for me.
    Thank you for sharing and keep writing!

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  11. This is just the best. I would have laughed right there in the isle with you and complimented your awesome boots. I am shy - but I have been trying to make efforts everyday to talk to people, especially the ones that look like they need a smile. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  12. i can so relate to this.

    being vulnerable is scary. someone told me the other day that if i always choose what is safe then i unconsciously reinforce fear. i can't seem to get that out of my head.

    i am glad i found your blog - it is simply fantastic!

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  13. Thanks for this post. You put into words the truth that I've come face to face with these last couple of months. Allowing ourselves to be used by God will bring vulnerability at times. But, His strength is made more evident in our weakness. It's just such a journey/process to put that gem into practice.

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  14. Wow. You have such a way with words.. its truly a gift. And God has blessed us} with your writing and your honesty. I think you have written down alot of what I have been thinking over the last year but just haven't known how to say it.

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  15. Sometimes when I read your posts I feel like we were separated at birth! I was the same way growing up, not wanting to put myself out there or be embarassed. God has grown me so much in that area. I think teaching my kids to trust in Him and only care about what He thinks has helped me too. Love you! xoxo

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  16. This seems the perfect post to comment and come out of hiding! I found your blog last week (I don't remember how, but I'm sure it was the usual clicking, clicking, clicking, leaving a fun trail of blogs behind me. You know how it goes!).

    Anyway, I LOVE your blog. I love YOU! I think we're very similar, with similar experiences and passions. I've been catching up slowly over the past few days, reading backwards through your blog and this post is beautiful. Who can't relate? I could've written it (although not nearly as eloquently). I'm eager to read more of what's already been written and more of what's to come! You have such a beautiful heart, Laura!

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