Monday, August 1, 2011

Letting Go

I had a whole other post in mind, but I'm just going to be honest with you. My heart is hurting a little today as I realized it's August 1st. The month I've been thinking about, talking about, waiting for and yet dreading.

My Asher will be starting kindergarden in 2 weeks.
While I'm excited for Asher, I'm a little sad. I don't let him know this. I smile with excitement for him each time I talk about school. He's very sensitive to his mama's feelings.

He's ready. So ready and so smart. He's going to do great. That I don't doubt.
It's the letting go that's hard. The part where I know this baby I was handed over 5 1/2 years ago, isn't a baby anymore.
It's hard for me to see that it's only kindergarten. That we still have years before he's walking down the aisle with a graduation cap on. I know we have some time before then, but for some reason as we get closer to his first day of school, I see him 18 years old, graduation gown on, smile on his face, ready to begin his life as an adult.

I hear him upstairs playing some silly game with his sister, this little boy in superman underwear, but I keep seeing that image of him at 18 in my head.

How can parenting be so many things at once. It's the best thing in the world. A gift, an honor, a joy. Yet it's a struggle. A struggle to know when to let go and when to hold tighter.

All this time of holding tight and soon I'll have to let go. I feel like I won't be able to, yet I know I can. I know this isn't new territory. I know that parenting is about letting go...

A mom letting go of her baby's hand as she takes her first steps.
A dad practicing in the backyard with his son, then watching him at his first real game.
A mom watching her daughter put on makeup
A dad meeting a guy at the front door, there to take his daughter on her first date.
A mom kissing her son goodbye as he bravely goes off to serve his country.
A dad giving his daughter away at her wedding.
A mom meeting the girl who's stolen her son's heart.
Parents watching their babies, become parents.

Letting Go.
I want to hold on to my babies forever, knowing that I can't. Trusting that I can do my best to raise them, love them, guide them, and then let them go. To pursue these things that will make them happy. To experience the joy that comes with growing up.

The struggles, the battles, the lessons....all of it. I wish I could guard him. Only let the good in. But I know I can't. I know the struggles will bring strength. The sorrow and sadness--a greater joy. I know all of this yet, my heart still hurts today.

It's just kindergarten. But to me it's one step further in letting go. And I'm just not sure I'm very good at it. Maybe I struggle more with this because of what I've been through. Or maybe this is normal. Maybe it will be easier than I think, or maybe it will be harder.

But for today and for the weeks to come, I may have to hide some tears as I struggle through the smiles and excitement. I will go shopping with him for school supplies and uniforms. I'll let him pick out his shoes and lunch box. I'll smile. I'll be excited with him. I'll be happy for him. I'll never let him see the tears.
It's what my parents must've had to do. So I know I can too.

And I will.  Because all of these things....these new things and experiences. These lessons and growth, milestones and phases. They are what makes life so lovely and beautiful. Moments to be treasured and cherished forever.

But it doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt a little.

I think I'll go join them in their silly game, hold my baby boy tight just for a bit longer. And just be glad it's right now.


  1. I cry that I only have two years before Carter starts kinder. I'll be a mess when the two years are gone.

  2. 3 weeks! Got the meet the teacher card in the mail today. Almost cried telling phillip when it was! I'm gonna miss my little princess!

  3. I can so relate :/ My sweet Brayden is off to Kinder in a few short weeks too and I am excited because he is so excited for this new adventure but i have mixed emotions inside :( I know he has a beautiful heart and this is a stepping stone for him...I know I'll be a mess, but will try to hold it all it in until I get into the car :) Cherish the Moments :) hugs

  4. Oh man! I'm feeling anxious about kindergarten already and my baby is not yet one. This post was so well written and touched my heart. It doesn't help that my son will be one in a little less than two weeks. Make it stop!

  5. oh, i hear ya! praying for you as you begin this new journey! xoxo

  6. My middle sone is starting kinder in a month. It is almost harder for me this time around because I now how fast time goes once they start school. It is bittersweet. Hang in there, mama!

  7. I still remember this day for my first and the 2 that came after is so hard.. but after you get into the swing/routine it will get better. Even though mine are past K every year it's an adjustment as they start back to school. I truly like them home with me.. but your right, it's all about the letting go and they're ultimately in HIs hands so I let that comfort..luv ya. :)

  8. I understand completely! And your post made me cry :( My little guy is almost one and I'm still at the "holding his hands for his first steps" but the letting-go process has already begun. It's so amazing, fulfilling and heartbreaking all at once!

  9. I really cannot imagine what it will be like when my kids start school. My oldest isnt even 2 year. I dont want to think that far ahead but at the same time I hope I'm doing a good job in preparing her for life. I have a hard time leaving her in the church nursery sometimes because she just wants me. But as soon as im gone she plays and is fine and the letting go gets easier and easier but I miss her when that happens.


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