last night i had a moment as a mom that i know isn't new, and that i know will happen again.
and again. and again.
i know in my heart that just like any other phase, experience, and transition, God gives us grace.
i know this to be true.
last night as i helped asher out of the bath, he gave me a big smile while i wrapped him up in his towel. i glanced over to a picture i have of him in their bathroom. one of my favorites.
he was 6 months old, sitting outside an old fashioned bath tub, surrounded by little yellow duckies.
just in a diaper. chubby little belly and leg rolls.
.....and his smile.
the same smile now.
dimples and teeth.
such power that smile has over me to this day.
6 months then. 6 years now. still the same.
after he was dressed and ready for bed, i sat down to pray with him then kissed him goodnight.
like every night he begged me to stay and snuggle. not every night i do, but last night i did.
we laid in the dark. he was sleepy, but still holding tight to me.
sometimes in those moments, in the dark and the quiet, i forget how big he is.
i think of him cuddled up in my lap as i rocked him each night as a baby.
the words to our songs came to my mind. so i started to sing them to him. the ones from when he was a baby. the same ones i sang bella and the ones i sing to mia now.
the sunshine song first. then our own little song filled with hums. the one they each know. our special song. my mom hummed it to me, and her dad to her.
just at the end Asher stopped me. quietly interrupted me....
"mom, im not a baby"
a flash of him in that 6 month old picture filled my mind. chubby belly and little smile.
my heart hurt. tears stung and filled my eyes.
he was right. he's not a baby anymore.
but to me he will always be.
that sweet faced little boy who stole my heart at first glance.
my first born. the one who taught me how to be a mother.
the one who teaches me still.
he will always be my baby.
i jumped in the shower and had myself a good little cry. not really sure why.
im ok with him growing. im happy to see him change and thrive. i am.
but part of me still wants so badly to hold on tight.
to sing him those lullabies. and cuddle him close. no matter how big he gets.
the other part says, let go.
even though it hurts.
the term growing pains, i think it pertains to us mama's too.
growth means health and life.
growth is good.
but the pain. the sting, in letting go.
that comes too.
i wonder if they will ever stop. these growing pains.
i think of my dad the day i got married. the forced smile through tears just before he walked me down the aisle.
my mom at my sisters side the day she had her first baby girl. not wanting to leave it for a second.
and im pretty sure i know.
i dont think they do.