Monday, January 9, 2012

growing pains

last night i had a moment as a mom that i know isn't new, and that i know will happen again.
and again. and again.

i know in my heart that just like any other phase, experience, and transition, God gives us grace.
i know this to be true.
but still....

last night as i helped asher out of the bath, he gave me a big smile while i wrapped him up in his towel.  i glanced over to a picture i have of him in their bathroom. one of my favorites.
he was 6 months old, sitting outside an old fashioned bath tub, surrounded by little yellow duckies.
just in a diaper. chubby little belly and leg rolls.
.....and his smile.
the same smile now.
dimples and teeth.
such power that smile has over me to this day. 

6 months then. 6 years now. still the same.

after he was dressed and ready for bed, i sat down to pray with him then kissed him goodnight.
like every night he begged me to stay and snuggle. not every night i do, but last night i did.
we laid in the dark. he was sleepy, but still holding tight to me.

sometimes in those moments, in the dark and the quiet, i forget how big he is.
i think of him cuddled up in my lap as i rocked him each night as a baby.

the words to our songs came to my mind. so i started to sing them to him. the ones from when he was a baby. the same ones i sang bella and the ones i sing to mia now.
the sunshine song first. then our own little song filled with hums. the one they each know. our special song. my mom hummed it to me, and her dad to her.
just at the end Asher stopped me. quietly interrupted me....
"mom, im not a baby"

a flash of him in that 6 month old picture filled my mind. chubby belly and little smile.
my heart hurt. tears stung and filled my eyes.

he was right. he's not a baby anymore.

but to me he will always be.
that sweet faced little boy who stole my heart at first glance.
my first born. the one who taught me how to be a mother.
the one who teaches me still.

he will always be my baby. 

i jumped in the shower and had myself a good little cry. not really sure why.
im ok with him growing. im happy to see him change and thrive. i am.
but part of me still wants so badly to hold on tight.
to sing him those lullabies. and cuddle him close. no matter how big he gets.

the other part says, let go.
even though it hurts.

the term growing pains, i think it pertains to us mama's too.
growth means health and life.
growth is good.
but the pain. the sting, in letting go.
that comes too.

i wonder if they will ever stop. these growing pains.

i think of my dad the day i got married. the forced smile through tears just before he walked me down the aisle.
my mom at my sisters side the day she had her first baby girl. not wanting to leave it for a second.

and im pretty sure i know.
i dont think they do.

9 comments:

  1. Sweet post....thank you. My littlest one is three years old and I had a similar experience with him not too long ago.

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  2. This is beautiful. I have two boys and my oldest and I have shared the same moments. There are nights where he asks me to rub him back as he falls asleep and he tells me that he loves me so much, it puts me in tears. Good tears, tears of love and gratitude for this amazing human being. God Bless you guys! xo

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  3. growing pains are hard. my oldest is going to 13 next month. i can hardly stand it. every day i feel like i have to let go of something else. but, it is good to see the amazing young man he's is turning into.

    i love this post laura.

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  4. oh my heart! This is such a hard thing for mamas. I have tears in my eyes because this hit so close to home. I adore each moment with my kiddos, seeing their personalities shine, seeing their interests, their dislikes but gosh I miss those long interrupted moments of cuddling. Sigh. Thinking of you sweet mama!

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  5. Amen, sister! tears rolling down my face right now. It hurts but at the very same time, it feels so good. My first born is only 2 and I think the growing pains will be continuous. The joy of watching my little sweet baby boy grow into a strong, loving man... there aren't many things more rewarding than that.

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  6. my "baby" is 9 years old and I am constantly telling him not to grow up...it's so hard to see your little one's grow up!

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  7. oh my gosh you have tears POURING out of me right now. seriously. this was too precious for words, yet you found the perfect ones. I have been almost "grieving" how bit Abigail is ever since we jus brought Bethany home. Its almost put me in denial, unable to see her as my baby if Im being honest...but its so emotional because she IS...and i cannot imagine what it will feel like when shes SIX and not just still 2...its so hard. But I have to remind myself that yes, she IS still my BABY baby, my first, and that her growth every day is good for us both. goodness girl, thanks for this, I guess I needed to get some more real tears out about this. love you...youre such a good mama.

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  8. Well said! (as tears stream down my face) My oldest is almost 8 and I was thinking the same thoughts just the other day. It is exciting to see them grow but sometimes I long for the days of baby snuggles....Thank you for your beautiful words :-)

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  9. I am balling. This is exactly what I am going through. I never want my son to grow up. I don't remember what my life was like without him. Thank you for sharing. This was beautiful.

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