it has felt like total chaos over here the last couple of days.
even now as I attempt to string some quick words together my kids are running circles around me.
one is chasing the other and mia is tagging behind them, laughing uncontrollably and pretending to know what is going on.
i was battling this chaos at first. wanting order and tidiness and organization and some routine.
at the end of the first day of asher being officially home for summer, i told brandon "i just need to find a new routine, i've gotten so used to having just bella and mia home, but now we need to find a new one."
boys are so different then girls. the dynamic around the house goes from quiet play and pretend, crowns and baby dolls....to running and wrestling and screaming and jumping off of anything that is at least 2 ft off the ground. doesn't matter that that might be his little sisters dainty doll house.
i had all these plans and expectations and ideas in my head for what our days would look like...
i kept trying so hard to bring back the quiet, the routine, the order.
only to find myself more worn out then i have been in a very long time.
feeling like a failed mommy.
don't you hate when we put that on ourselves?
this idea of "super mom".... it bugs me. do i think im a good mom? heck yes. do i have good days and some even better days, only to have a bad one too? yep.
we're all human. not super.
i feel like that term gives a built in comparison, of being better than other more "average" moms. and i just don't think it's realistic when it comes to motherhood. i think we are all good moms trying to let the better days outweigh the bad ones and we should encourage that in one another rather than seek out this super mom title.
in the middle of motherhood, im also just a girl. who loves to run, loves small windows of quiet, and reading a good book, and walking around target alone. a girl who loves to create and improve and love. putting on some worship music and packaging orders.... that is my idea of me time. i enjoy it and i love it.
but ive found it hard to find the time lately.
i fully believe in being present and giving your kids your time and attention and focus and talking and listening and just plain loving.
but what about the bits of time we steal for ourselves. for the things that keep us going. like running and creating. should we feel guilty for that time?
i don't think so.
ive been very blessed with my business, even more recently, and for just a minute in the midst of this chaos i thought maybe i needed to let something go. maybe something needed to give. do i really need to take 30-45 minutes to go for a run? is that selfish?
is my business improving the lives of our family? is it taking away or is it adding?
realistically the answer is yes. not long ago i prayed for something that would allow me to stay home with my kids and also add value into the life of our family. and quickly i remembered my own words. that this balance we all seek---maybe it doesn't exist.
rhythm and seasons. those exist.
and right now is a busy one. a chaotic one. a really good, crazy one with 3 little munchkins chasing each other and me stealing bits of time in between to do my own thing.
and thats ok.
see i think these lessons and revelations are what makes us better moms. learning and growing and always striving. giving our kids "us"... just being fully present when we are with them. our time. us, thats all they want.
Elaborate craft times, or hours of pretend play, or fun summer days at the pool.... those are all well and good, but they have nothing to do with super.
and at the end of the day when your little girls wraps her arms around you and says "your the best mom ever"...you realize that it's all grace.
that HE is the super. He is the one who fills us at the end of the day when we feel like we failed.He wakes us up in the morning with new mercies and He says, hey it's a new day--it's not going to be perfect, or in order or routine, but it's going to be a good one, and if you let me help you, if you take me in to your day and embrace the chaos---it'll be a good one too. a really good one.