Thursday, July 19, 2012

confidence

we watched a home video the other night when my sister was in town.
It was of Ashers 2nd birthday party. I was somewhere around 20 weeks pregnant with Bella.

I watched the video completely taken back by the girl I saw on it.
I kept trying to figure out what it was.
It wasn't the short, dark reddish hair. Or the extra 20lbs. {I almost always gain 20lbs by 20weeks with every one of my pregnancies! Yikes}
Or the hideous maternity jeans that I am burning and never wearing again.

I didn't recognize the girl I was watching. But it was me.
Do you ever hear your voice back on a voice mail and cringe at the sound of your voice? Like surely that is not how you really sound.

It was sort of that mixed in too, but mostly it was realizing how much I've changed in these few years.
I watched myself as I held Asher, my little pregnant tummy just starting to show, and I realized what it was that was so different.
Insecurity.

I almost felt sorry for the girl I was watching.
To anyone else watching, I'm sure it wasn't as obvious to them as it was to me, but thats because I knew better.
I knew the thoughts going through that girls head.
20 weeks pregnant with Bella. The same stage in the pregnancy where we found out we had lost Grace.

I remember always trying really hard to keep a strong, calm face.
To be smiley and happy and pretend to be confident.
But on the inside I was fighting every thought of losing this little girl too.
Writing that out is hard for me, because I feel like even saying it, gives more power to it and I hate to do that. but that was reality.

All the outside appearances aside..
One main thing has changed the most and that is my confidence.

Not confidence in my appearance, but confidence in who I am because of Him.
And there is a difference.
Over the years, I've had to learn how to put my trust in nothing but Him.
When at times I was putting it in everything else but Him.

In fact that video reminded me of the time I woke up one day completely consumed in anxiety and worry. I just had to get to the dr. and get an ultrasound. I had to see for myself that everything was ok. I was just around 16 weeks. It was a Saturday, Brandon was out of town. So my mom and my sisters went with me to the ER. They took me back into an extensive ultrasound, and wouldn't show me the screen. I waited to hear it...
and then she turned the screen toward me and told me I had a perfectly healthy baby moving and kicking and jumping around like crazy. And she guessed that it was a girl.
A girl. Like I had prayed for.
That was the day we found out we were having Bella.

I remember being sort of embarrassed that I dragged my sisters and mom out on a Saturday because my own insecurities took over my ability to rationalize.
.....took over my faith and trust to believe everything was ok...

Surely I had learned something from it, right?

then weeks later at Ashers birthday party..... Watching the video, I knew that I hadn't.
I knew what was really going on in my head and my heart.
And how I didn't want anyone else to know because then they'd see my lack of faith.
They'd see my weakness and insecurity.

That was almost 4 1/2 years ago.
We have lost 2 more babies since then. Faith Marie and Mia's twin.
But.
We have had 1 beautiful healthy little girl too...Mia Glory.

The trials didn't go away.
Life didn't get easier.
But life did keep moving. And I had to start making choices to Trust.
Even when I didn't want to.
Even when I really felt like giving up.

It didn't happen over night.
But watching that video I realized that somewhere along the way of then till now,  it did.

Confidence in Him and in who He made me to be.
Not perfect by any means.
but reliant.
and I think thats exactly where He is always trying to get us.
Reliant on Him. Not other people, or in how we look, or in ultrasounds even...

So this girl you see now? this girl who looks and seems confident?
I am.
Not because of any ways that I've changed on the outside, but how I've been transformed on the inside.

the less of me there is, the more of Him shines through.
But I had to learn that.
I had to learn that no amount of tanning, shopping, or changing my hair could transform my heart and mind like it needed to be.

I have people ask me all of the time how I found peace and faith to have another baby after losing one. The truth is that I was scared just like anyone else would be. But I knew that if I didn't keep fighting for my faith, if I stopped trying, and said no more babies for me....then I lost.
I lost to fear.
And I wasn't willing to do that.
Because there was too much gain.
Like my Bella Grace and Mia Glory.
They are worth it.
Every bit of it.

I would be lying if I said I had it all together and one day when we decide to have another one {because I really really want another baby some day} that I would walk through it with confidence and without fear. I'd love to think I would, but the truth is that I won't. I'm human.
I will, however keep fighting for my faith. Keeping pursuing it and believing and standing on it.
Because there is too much to gain.

Something I believe has helped heal and bring strength along the way, is helping others heal too.
That is why I am so passionate about Project Hope.
I truly believe the very way God has worked in our own lives, is the very way He wants us to work in others.

Do you struggle with something? How can you encourage someone else in that same area today? 
It doesn't have to be in big ways.
Small ways...small steps along the way...
and then one day, maybe years later, you'll realize the very thing you lacked,
...you've now gained.

15 comments:

  1. trust.
    such a small word but ever so powerful when we allow ourselves to just Trust in HIm.
    xxO

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  2. Wow, this was a powerful post, and the perfect time for me to read it.
    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this. I made a comment on one of my posts how I have this doubt in my mind with this pregnancy and I still do. I don't think I will relax until this baby is in my arms. I hate admitting that, but it's the truth. I think after having a miscarriage, you have that fear. It's nice to hear I am not the only one who feels this way.

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  4. thank you for ushering me into a place of reflection. how am I insecure? what are areas of my life where I am not trusting God? Such a beautiful post and such great insight!

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  5. Amazing, I am without words. Just in awe of the peace you have found, thankful for your incredible testimony, and inspired by you. We serve a big God, and you are doing His good work by just being who He called you to be, and by turning the eyes of all who read of your incredible journey straight back up to Him. Thank you so much for this today!

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  6. Laura- I have to tell you, your confidence radiates! I have been drawn to your blog from the first time I read it. There's just something about you that is encouraging, inspiring. It is your confidence. And it is obvious that your confidence is in Christ. I'm so glad you have made it this far on your journey. I'm not quite there. Still struggling day to day with insecurities that have been with me for many, many years. But, I am motivated to keep going when I read excerpts from the lives of other Christian women, women like you, who have or are struggling, too. Seeing others victories (be they large or small) keeps us going, doesn't it? Knowing we are not alone is powerful. Thanks for putting your truth out there. Your story and life is making a difference.

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  7. Trust and faith are truly the only ways we can survive. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story ... your story. When I was hospitalized during my pregnancy with Matthew (2 years after we lost the girls), I was almost relieved because I knew every day I'd be able to hear his heartbeat when the nurses came to check me. When they discharged me three weeks later, at 28 weeks pregnant, I cried. I was terrified and unsure how I'd make it through hopefully the next 12 weeks (turned out I just needed to wait one more month). Today, I think I'd be a lot different. I trust more, and I accept that God has His plan, and it's for my joy, not my sorrow. Thank you for your constant encouragement.

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  8. girl. i love this because i have grown to be confident in who i am as well. thanks for sharing so much. i'm glad i know you.

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  9. I am so blessed to hear of the steadfast love of the Lord in your life. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts with us, and praise God that he has given you confidence instead of fear! What a wonderful day it will be when you will be reunited with all your little ones in God's presence=).

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  10. I LOVE this! these powerful words with wonderfully amazing insight...this post could not have come at a better time for me personally. I needed this, thank you. You are a lovely person and I see Him shining through you, for sure! (Even if it is via a computer screen)

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  11. Right where I am right now, just a different situation! Trust in Him, it is easy to say and yet at times so difficult to do. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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  12. This was so moving. Thank you for faithfully sharing your heart.

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