we watched a home video the other night when my sister was in town.
It was of Ashers 2nd birthday party. I was somewhere around 20 weeks pregnant with Bella.
I watched the video completely taken back by the girl I saw on it.
I kept trying to figure out what it was.
It wasn't the short, dark reddish hair. Or the extra 20lbs. {I almost always gain 20lbs by 20weeks with every one of my pregnancies! Yikes}
Or the hideous maternity jeans that I am burning and never wearing again.
I didn't recognize the girl I was watching. But it was me.
Do you ever hear your voice back on a voice mail and cringe at the sound of your voice? Like surely that is not how you really sound.
It was sort of that mixed in too, but mostly it was realizing how much I've changed in these few years.
I watched myself as I held Asher, my little pregnant tummy just starting to show, and I realized what it was that was so different.
Insecurity.
I almost felt sorry for the girl I was watching.
To anyone else watching, I'm sure it wasn't as obvious to them as it was to me, but thats because I knew better.
I knew the thoughts going through that girls head.
20 weeks pregnant with Bella. The same stage in the pregnancy where we found out we had lost Grace.
I remember always trying really hard to keep a strong, calm face.
To be smiley and happy and pretend to be confident.
But on the inside I was fighting every thought of losing this little girl too.
Writing that out is hard for me, because I feel like even saying it, gives more power to it and I hate to do that. but that was reality.
All the outside appearances aside..
One main thing has changed the most and that is my confidence.
Not confidence in my appearance, but confidence in who I am because of Him.
And there is a difference.
Over the years, I've had to learn how to put my trust in nothing but Him.
When at times I was putting it in everything else but Him.
In fact that video reminded me of the time I woke up one day completely consumed in anxiety and worry. I just had to get to the dr. and get an ultrasound. I had to see for myself that everything was ok. I was just around 16 weeks. It was a Saturday, Brandon was out of town. So my mom and my sisters went with me to the ER. They took me back into an extensive ultrasound, and wouldn't show me the screen. I waited to hear it...
and then she turned the screen toward me and told me I had a perfectly healthy baby moving and kicking and jumping around like crazy. And she guessed that it was a girl.
A girl. Like I had prayed for.
That was the day we found out we were having Bella.
I remember being sort of embarrassed that I dragged my sisters and mom out on a Saturday because my own insecurities took over my ability to rationalize.
.....took over my faith and trust to believe everything was ok...
Surely I had learned something from it, right?
then weeks later at Ashers birthday party..... Watching the video, I knew that I hadn't.
I knew what was really going on in my head and my heart.
And how I didn't want anyone else to know because then they'd see my lack of faith.
They'd see my weakness and insecurity.
That was almost 4 1/2 years ago.
We have lost 2 more babies since then. Faith Marie and Mia's twin.
But.
We have had 1 beautiful healthy little girl too...Mia Glory.
The trials didn't go away.
Life didn't get easier.
But life did keep moving. And I had to start making choices to Trust.
Even when I didn't want to.
Even when I really felt like giving up.
It didn't happen over night.
But watching that video I realized that somewhere along the way of then till now, it did.
Confidence in Him and in who He made me to be.
Not perfect by any means.
but reliant.
and I think thats exactly where He is always trying to get us.
Reliant on Him. Not other people, or in how we look, or in ultrasounds even...
So this girl you see now? this girl who looks and seems confident?
I am.
Not because of any ways that I've changed on the outside, but how I've been transformed on the inside.
the less of me there is, the more of Him shines through.
But I had to learn that.
I had to learn that no amount of tanning, shopping, or changing my hair could transform my heart and mind like it needed to be.
I have people ask me all of the time how I found peace and faith to have another baby after losing one. The truth is that I was scared just like anyone else would be. But I knew that if I didn't keep fighting for my faith, if I stopped trying, and said no more babies for me....then I lost.
I lost to fear.
And I wasn't willing to do that.
Because there was too much gain.
Like my Bella Grace and Mia Glory.
They are worth it.
Every bit of it.
I would be lying if I said I had it all together and one day when we decide to have another one {because I really really want another baby some day} that I would walk through it with confidence and without fear. I'd love to think I would, but the truth is that I won't. I'm human.
I will, however keep fighting for my faith. Keeping pursuing it and believing and standing on it.
Because there is too much to gain.
Something I believe has helped heal and bring strength along the way, is helping others heal too.
That is why I am so passionate about Project Hope.
I truly believe the very way God has worked in our own lives, is the very way He wants us to work in others.
Do you struggle with something? How can you encourage someone else in that same area today?
It doesn't have to be in big ways.
Small ways...small steps along the way...
and then one day, maybe years later, you'll realize the very thing you lacked,
...you've now gained.