{Heaven}

My girls in heaven, 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. But some days, like today, I wake up thinking about you and I don't stop until I lay my head down to sleep. 

Your sister Bella is very smart. She asks alot of questions about heaven. 
So we talked about you girls a lot today. I fought back tears many times, because I want her to know it's happy. Heaven is happy. And you all are happy. 

Days like today I can't stop wondering what it will be like when we see you in heaven.

I try hard to imgaine you now. As you are. 
I remember clearly when I held you in my arms, but you were tiny. I know it's different now. 
And I try to close my eyes and imagine. 

Not long after we said goodbye to you Grace, I prayed and prayed for God to show me what you looked like. 
One night I had a dream. And I saw you. Standing on a huge grassy hill. The grass was really green. 
You had on a blue dress with white lace peaking out at the hem. 
You had a blue ball and you were playing with lots of other kids. 
You didn't look at me, but it was as if you knew I was there. Watching you. 
You stopped for a little bit, almost as if you were letting me take you in. 
You were really happy. And beautiful. 
Light brown hair that reached your shoulders in curls. 

You didn't look like your sisters Bella and Mia, but even still, I see you in both of them. 
I like to watch them both when they don't know that I am and I like to imagine what parts of them are like you. 

I prayed the same prayer after I lost you Faith. Many nights I fell asleep hoping I would see you in my dreams like I had Grace. But not until the day I first held Mia, did I see. 

It was as if I was staring into the face of someone I already knew. I think she is very much like you would have been. I feel it when I look at her.

Today, the veil between heaven and earth has felt thin. 
I went for a run, and just as the sun was setting I looked up into the sky. 
It was so bright and pink.
Sunsets and sunrises are our special thing. 

Grace and Faith, your little bodies are in a place called Sunset Hill. 
It is known for it's beautiful view of the sun as it comes up, and goes down. 

But your souls....your precious souls are in a place far more beautiful. 
I can't even imagine. 
But I find such peace in it.

I want you to know something. 
When you see mommy's eyes fill with tears because she's thinking about you, 
it's not because I'm sad. It's because I am so consumed with love for you. 
And for the gifts I have here on earth...for Asher, Bella and Mia.  
For this life we live...it's such a treasure.

And because I know joy....and hope. 
I live it. And I want so badly to share it with others. 
I wonder how anyone could do this without the hope we have of eternity. 
I hold onto it everyday. 
And some days, like today, I hold on to it even tighter.

I love you both so much. 

love, 
your mama