Monday, October 7, 2013

-the Hope of Glory-


I've tried hard to figure out how I was going to word this post.
The truth is, I don't know. My heart is torn up. I have no answers and so many questions.

Friday afternoon, just as we were walking out the door to take the kids to the park, I got a text from Genelle's mom letting us know that Genelle Glory had gone to be with Jesus.

Staring at the words on my phone, I felt an incredible mix of pain and disbelief.
My heart just broke. Thinking about her mom and the familiar sting that the death of a child brings. Not just to your heart and soul, but to your faith. Especially your faith.

I won't try to cover up the fact that I just don't get it.
I believed. I prayed. I knew and I still know that He is able to perform miracles.
Genelle needed a miracle.

I've had many conversations with God the last couple of days. I still feel so unsettled. It's not that I think I deserve answers, or that I think I will ever understand. It's that I truly believed for a miracle for this sweet girl. I believed I would see her run and laugh and play.
Why didn't that happen?

"She was healed. God did heal her. She is perfect and whole and in heaven now."

Thats a familiar answer. The easy one. And one I have rested in before. One I still truly believe. Don't misunderstand me. I truly believe that. But. It's just not good enough for me right now.

And maybe that's why I'm here in this broken place. This place of uncertainty. I've never felt so secure in my faith and so sure of the love God has for me. And yet. There is so much about this life that I simply don't understand.

Do I stay there? In that place that says, "I may not have the answers, but I'm at peace without them." The place I've been in for years. Do I stay there, or do I go deeper. Do I search his word and cry out on my knees. Maybe thats what God wants from me. Maybe He wants me to ask him and demand and beat his chest with tears in my eyes.
Because thats where I'm at.

I'm so angry at the devil for stealing this little girls life.
I don't know why any parent should ever be robbed of getting to watch her take her first steps or say her first word or start her first day of kindergarten.

I do know that my passion and burden for other moms who have lost a baby is even heavier. I know that my mission to show hope to these moms is fierce. I know my faith is being challenged in a way that makes me want to go deeper. I know my love for God is real. I know that He is always good. These things I know.

I look for reason and purpose in everything. As I begged and cried and prayed for God to show me a fragment of a reason in this for me, I only felt my heart for Genelle's mom grow heavier.
I don't have the answers. But I have Jesus and I have hope.

How though do I give hope to a mom like Genelle's, who has held her daughter for 4 months. Looked straight into her big brown eyes. Watched her first smiles. Knew she liked classical music, and how she liked her milk... How do I give that mom hope?

The answer is I can't. It's not my responsibility. But I can show them Jesus and pray they search deep within Him to find that hope for themselves.

We walked outside with the kids that day, and I told them to look way up into the sky, "you see how beautiful it is? That's where Genelle is now. In heaven with Jesus."

And I was reminded of one of the reasons we named Mia, "Mia Glory." One of the definitions of Glory is: "the splendor or bliss of heaven; perfect happiness"

I know that's where Genelle Glory is now. In that bliss and splendor. It's all she'll ever know.
Thats a beautiful truth.
And yet, it doesn't lift the hurt I feel for Genelle's mom.

So I keep my eyes on the hope of glory.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
{2 Corinthians 4:16-18} 


If you'd still like to donate to this family, I am receiving monetary donations for help towards funeral and hospital costs or any other extra expenses. I can not imagine the extra burdens they are facing in so many areas. I know every bit will help. You can send a donation through paypal to bitsofsplendor (at) yahoo (dot) com. Or email me.

love to you all
xo

4 comments:

  1. I am in a similar place right now, we just had a family friend die at 42 and she left behind 9 children. They are strong Christians, she never doubted God because of the cancer and always praised him in the midst of suffering. It was her dream since high school to have 9 children.............but why would God want things to end this way? I know she is truly healed, but mind still struggles to understand it. I haven't been sleeping God at night because I just keep seeing the kids faces and how hard this is for them. I guess we will never really understand until we are in heaven ourselves.

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  2. Oh, Laura. I want words that will help you help her. But I don't have them. But I can {and will} pray that God uses you mightily and through His reflection seen in you, that baby girl's family will find hope. And peace.

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  3. oh heavens. i am so so sorry. my heart too aches for this momma. i cannot imagine the pain she must be feeling. i feel the same thoughts that you have written here, and it always comes back to why. and i look at my own child, and i think, how in the world would i EVER go on living if something so tragic took my easton? or now, emerson? I don't think i could survive it. bless her dear hurting heart. my heart is so broken for her. i too will pray that God uses you in a big way to show this family Jesus. They need Him now more than ever. Perhaps that's why you were there, because you have that tender heart that they need right now. You saw what they saw. You felt it. You were there. You connect with them on that level now. That's a deep deep place to be, but HE knew YOU needed to be there. I know it pains you to have those visuals, I cannot imagine, but just try to think that HE PUT YOU THERE and that NOW your mission is to be a blessing in some form or other to this family. The road ahead is long and hard for them. It's sickening to think about it, but you've traveled this road on your own before and know their pain. They need your sweet, tender, sensitive, JESUS LOVING, spirit. Give it to them girl. Praying for you all. xoxoxo

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  4. I have been struggling with this exact same thing lately. I've been angry with God since my grandfather died in a very difficult way. Ever since, I've questioned negative occurrences and wondered why God didn't provide a miracle for folks who needed it. I realize that this is not how it works, that he's not a magic genie but it doesn't seem to alleviate my anger about it. I have been trying to change my perspective but so far, I haven't been successful. I still pray for you and the family's healing because it seems that is all we have when things like this happen. I am so sorry for this family's loss and truly do pray for healing and understanding. I really appreciate your openness and honesty. It gives me comfort to know that other believers struggle with this along side of me.

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