I have gone over so many words in my head today. So many have flooded my mind. But right now I don't even know where to start.
Today was a hard day. I have cried more tears than I have in a long time. Even now they won't stop. My head hurts, my heart is raw and my eyes are puffy. In a way I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep it all away.
But words just keep coming and all I have ever known to do with them is to write them.
A few weeks ago, on November 7th, we found out we were pregnant with our 4th baby. A baby we have always known would be. Always known we wanted. The only question we had was when it would be. We waited a long time after having Mia to let ourselves be ready. She turned 3 on the 29th and we told all of our family that day that she was going to be a big sister.
I debated on telling people, but then decided that regardless of age, this baby was our baby from the moment of conception. And that we would celebrate every single day of it, just as we do our other children.
I have shared our story from the very beginning. I have opened my heart to others because in a way it has helped heal me. I have found that in our own vulnerability and honesty, in our raw-ness...God had used us most. And that is always my hope in sharing our story.
I thought that this time, I would be stronger. I would be braver. I had learned and rested and I had waited. But when you hold the life of a precious soul in yours, the life you want more than anything....all of the weight of the world seems to be on your shoulders. No amount of time can prepare you for that.
It's not that I thought I could control anything. Like anything I did or didn't do could change what happened. I have freedom in knowing I couldn't have changed it. I'm thankful for that freedom.
But my heart is broken tonight. The baby I just barely got to know, but loved so much, will never be in my arms on this earth.
We had a dr appointment today and just as the baby appeared on the ultrasound screen, I just knew.
I said the words before my doctor could because I knew they would be hard.
... No beating heart.
Today at nearly 9 weeks, we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating at 8 weeks.
Our doctor, whom we love so much, said to us that God must really trust us with all that we have been through. I have thought about those words a lot today. It is not that I don't think I can handle everything I've walked through, and more....I just don't know why I have to.
I do know this....my losses have never been this early. My heart has always gone out to moms who lose a baby early on, but I never felt tied to that loss. Like I knew it. I have known the loss of 20 & 24 week old baby girls, laying in my arms.... But this is new to me. This struggle of never knowing or seeing a baby, of it being so new and small, yet still loving it beyond comprehension, is a hard one. I know this loss now. It is a new one for me, but I know it now.
We had to tell the kids and I was dreading it. They have already become so involved and excited about this new baby. Already kissing my tummy and talking about names. Bella would tell me each morning that she prayed for the baby the night before. When we told her that the baby had gone to heaven, some of her first words were "but how could this happen? I prayed for it every single night!"
Those words broke me. I wanted to say to her "my sweet girl, I have asked the same thing, and I don't have the answers"
But I know one day she'll understand better. She will learn, just like I have, that the answers may never come. But she will learn to be ok with that because her faith and trust in God is stronger than the unanswered questions. He knows better. He has a plan.
I told Brandon that this story of ours, of hope and of loss, it's not just his and mine. Our kids are watching too. Feeling and processing and walking through it with us. It will be part of their story one day too. And God will use them through it.
That is my redeeming hope.
Asher cried hard. I wasn't expecting it. Bella is my deep feeler, but Asher seemed to take this harder. I think because his understanding was more clear. Bella didn't get it right away. But Asher did and he cried harder than I have seen him cry in a long time. He buried his head in my lap and I just let him.
I know in my heart that God will use that sweet, compassionate heart of his one day.
And we will try again. We will have our 4th earthly baby one day. We're going to take a few months, but then we will try again. I know that some will question this. Wonder why we don't just give up. But we know in our hearts we were meant to have a 4th. I won't let the enemy rob me of another baby because of fear. Like Brandon said, we know the end result of the "risk" and it is worth it. Beyond worth it. Our 3 precious kids are evidence of that.
I wanted this baby more than words could say. It feels like it will be an eternity before I get to hold him or her in my arms, but I know that the day I do will be one of the sweetest days of my life. I look to that day with hope, but I will live in this day with joy.
I know my heart will heal. The time we have between heaven and earth...the time we wait to see our babies one day, is like a blink in God's eyes.
It will be soon.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
I know I'm not the only mom who lays awake at night thinking about the day.
I replay episodes in my head and most days I go to bed with plenty of grace. I've learned to accept it. To accept that I'll mess up or make mistakes or lose my temper. But other nights I will replay an episode in my head and it's all I can do to just shut my eyes tight and wish for the new day to come already so I can start it all over and do better.
I was having one of those moments tonight. Replaying a scene in my head. How I acted. How I sort of lost it over the girls picking up their toys, and Asher leaving his shoes in the middle of the stairs. As I replayed it in my head I saw myself as this crazed lady yelling over such silly things. And then I started to want to shut my eyes tight and make the day be over. Wishing I had stayed calm. That I hadn't over reacted.
But then I remembered the minutes just after. How even after I acted that way, even after I felt so unworthy of love or affection...my kids still come to me and want to hug me, or kiss me, snuggle me, or just be with me.
Bella does this thing where she will randomly come up to me, give me the biggest hug she can and say "you're the best mom in the whole wide world." Sometimes it's as if I didn't just get on to her for spilling her milk (again) or get on to Asher to finish his homework, or remind Mia (for the 100th time) not to touch other peoples things. Those times where I feel like the mom who is constantly correcting or disciplining. The mom who is tired and at a total loss of patience...
They don't see that mom.
They see past all of my crazy and they see me. They know me. They know who I am and how much I really love them. And they are confident in that. At the end of the day, whether I think it was a good one, or a bad one, my kids get tucked into bed knowing their momma loves them without any doubt.
It is such a beautiful reflection of God's love and grace. No matter how much we mess up and regardless of how we see ourselves,...Nothing changes. He loves us the same.
As I was writing this I was reminded of a video I saw not too long ago. It goes hand in hand with what I feel God speaking to me tonight. I thought I would share it. Praying it encourages you too if you are needing it.
Elevation Church on Vimeo.