Wednesday, December 11, 2013

It will be soon.

I have gone over so many words in my head today. So many have flooded my mind. But right now I don't even know where to start.

Today was a hard day. I have cried more tears than I have in a long time. Even now they won't stop. My head hurts, my heart is raw and my eyes are puffy. In a way I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep it all away.
But words just keep coming and all I have ever known to do with them is to write them.

A few weeks ago, on November 7th, we found out we were pregnant with our 4th baby. A baby we have always known would be. Always known we wanted. The only question we had was when it would be. We waited a long time after having Mia to let ourselves be ready. She turned 3 on the 29th and we told all of our family that day that she was going to be a big sister.

I debated on telling people, but then decided that regardless of age, this baby was our baby from the moment of conception. And that we would celebrate every single day of it, just as we do our other children.

I have shared our story from the very beginning. I have opened my heart to others because in a way it has helped heal me. I have found that in our own vulnerability and honesty, in our raw-ness...God had used us most. And that is always my hope in sharing our story.

I thought that this time, I would be stronger. I would be braver. I had learned and rested and I had waited. But when you hold the life of a precious soul in yours, the life you want more than anything....all of the weight of the world seems to be on your shoulders. No amount of time can prepare you for that.

It's not that I thought I could control anything. Like anything I did or didn't do could change what happened. I have freedom in knowing I couldn't have changed it. I'm thankful for that freedom.
But my heart is broken tonight. The baby I just barely got to know, but loved so much, will never be in my arms on this earth.

We had a dr appointment today and just as the baby appeared on the ultrasound screen, I just knew.
I said the words before my doctor could because I knew they would be hard.
"No flicker."
... No beating heart.

Today at nearly 9 weeks, we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating at 8 weeks.

Our doctor, whom we love so much, said to us that God must really trust us with all that we have been through. I have thought about those words a lot today. It is not that I don't think I can handle everything I've walked through, and more....I just don't know why I have to.

I do know losses have never been this early. My heart has always gone out to moms who lose a baby early on, but I never felt tied to that loss. Like I knew it. I have known the loss of 20  & 24 week old baby girls, laying in my arms.... But this is new to me. This struggle of never knowing or seeing a baby, of it being so new and small, yet still loving it beyond comprehension, is a hard one. I know this loss now. It is a new one for me, but I know it now.

We had to tell the kids and I was dreading it. They have already become so involved and excited about this new baby. Already kissing my tummy and talking about names. Bella would tell me each morning that she prayed for the baby the night before. When we told her that the baby had gone to heaven, some of her first words were "but how could this happen? I prayed for it every single night!"

Those words broke me. I wanted to say to her "my sweet girl, I have asked the same thing, and I don't have the answers"
But I know one day she'll understand better. She will learn, just like I have, that the answers may never come. But she will learn to be ok with that because her faith and trust in God is stronger than the unanswered questions. He knows better. He has a plan.

I told Brandon that this story of ours, of hope and of loss, it's not just his and mine. Our kids are watching too. Feeling and processing and walking through it with us. It will be part of their story one day too. And God will use them through it.
That is my redeeming hope.

Asher cried hard. I wasn't expecting it. Bella is my deep feeler, but Asher seemed to take this harder. I think because his understanding was more clear. Bella didn't get it right away. But Asher did and he cried harder than I have seen him cry in a long time. He buried his head in my lap and I just let him.
I know in my heart that God will use that sweet, compassionate heart of his one day.

And we will try again. We will have our 4th earthly baby one day. We're going to take a few months, but then we will try again. I know that some will question this. Wonder why we don't just give up. But we know in our hearts we were meant to have a 4th. I won't let the enemy rob me of another baby because of fear. Like Brandon said, we know the end result of the "risk" and it is worth it. Beyond worth it. Our 3 precious kids are evidence of that.

I wanted this baby more than words could say. It feels like it will be an eternity before I get to hold him or her in my arms, but I know that the day I do will be one of the sweetest days of my life. I look to that day with hope, but I will live in this day with joy.

I know my heart will heal. The time we have between heaven and earth...the time we wait to see our babies one day, is like a blink in God's eyes.
It will be soon.


  1. Oh, dear. I can't imagine what you're going through. You are so strong because the Lord has moved in your heart and life to make you that way. Our strength comes from Him and Him alone, and it's so evident to me that you're depending on the Lord to get through this. Isn't it awesome to know that we have hope in Him, and that He will work all things together for our good? ALL things. I will be praying for you. In fact, I will pray for you right now before I head to bed. May the Lord be with you and your family tonight as you go to bed with this heavy heart. I pray He'll be your comfort and peace, and that you will never cease to rejoice--even through grief.

    p.s. I really like your blog :)

  2. Weeping for you tonight... aching for you.... love you friend.

  3. Crying. So many tears for you. The hurt.. :( Praying for you all.

  4. Feel so silly saying 'sorry'...
    It definitely feels too small a word for your sadness.

    Wish I could just hug you, sweet mama.
    Praying Jesus will *always* remind you that everything restored is waiting for you in His Kingdom.

  5. Thank you for your faith and for the incredible courage it must take to share it through your words, especially now. God bless you and your family at this time! My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

  6. You are not alone in this. Thank You for sharing and for being the Beautiful person you are inside and out. Always Remembered, Never Forgotton all babies in heaven.

  7. thank-you for sharing your story. this helps so many know they can share... I had tears reading your story but then felt selfish- like I don't deserve to cry but I just really hurt for you.
    be blessed beautiful family and know you are loved by many.

  8. My heart breaks for you and your family. Having lost a baby at 24 weeks I know the ache of losing something you love and treasure too soon. A verse that spoke to me in my grieving was Psalm 46:10-"Be still and know that I am GOD". Your baby is in heaven with our Father and his/her sisters waiting until they get to see their sweet momma again, but until then He still has greater plans for you and your precious family. Prayers are being said for y'all from North Carolina. . .

  9. I cry and grieve with you, Laura! Having lost our second born at 7 weeks, I identify with longing to " feel" and wanting to know your baby. Amist the pain and trials you have faced, God is using you and your family to radiate His love, strength, and peace. Hold onto that truth! He is using you to bring Him Glory! All my love, Amelia

  10. I'm so sorry Laura. Your words ring so true. Of course you felt a fullness of love for the little life you carried. I can't even imagine that loss. I hope you find comfort in knowing that your sweet babe is rejoicing with Jesus in Heaven. Thank you for shining the light of His love so brightly. I will pray for healing for you and your sweet family. Jen

  11. Praying for you guys. Love you all.

  12. Again, I am so very sorry. I'm crying with you and for your sweet family. Love you, friend.

  13. I'm aching for you, for your family. Prayers to you all!

  14. you know this brings up so much in me....I am redeemed by His love, and faithfulness because we have Charlie here and now. But the struggle to understand and "wait" for the "right" time always felt like an eternity, and when your hope is broken back to back it took all the more to rise up in faith and claim his faithfulness and know that our "baby brother" would bring glory to His name, HERE ON EARTH. It feels like it was just yesterday having these feelings and yet he's here 9months old. Do take up strength in "IT WILL BE SOON" because IT WILL BE.

  15. Oh my dear sweet girl,
    I am crying out loud for you. I am so very sorry. My heart hurts for you and your family. I admire your strength and your belief. Take comfort in knowing that 'IT WILL BE SOON." Please know that you have touched so many lives.

  16. I am so sorry, and lost 3 before 12 weeks. I now look at my 2nd child who was conceived after the 3rd loss, and can't imagine my life without him. I felt like God was telling me that my 2nd son was meant to be here with me on Earth. I NEVER take one day for granted with him. If he frustrates me, I quickly remember the pain I felt with my losses, and how I prayed to God before he was conceived that I would never complain about his and how bad I wanted him, even during bought times. When you get pregnant again, you will look into that child's eyes, and think that if this baby was on Earth with you, then you probably wouldn't have met this future baby. You are such a shining star to me, and I love reading your blogs. Please take care of yourself, and your time will definitely come to meet your future child.

  17. I'm sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  18. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have experienced a similar one, and I, too, take great heart in the idea of meeting my baby in Heaven one day. Your faith and trust in God are inspiring. You will be in my prayers.

  19. I'm so sorry for your loss. You wrote your heart so beautifully. You are a brave Mama and that braveness is a gift and blessing to your children. When that sweet day finally comes where you are holding your 4th in your arms, every bit of pain you've walked through will be worth it seeing their face. That baby will have a beautiful testimony of how deeply they were wanted and prayed for even before they were alive. Thank you for sharing so openly. Hugs from California.

  20. oh friend. well, you know that i am praying for you. for you heart and for the hearts of your family too. I am so sorry for your pain once again. As you may know, I lost two more this past year, and it was heartbreaking. But like you said...i just KNOW God has more for us. Praying peace for you friend. love you so!!!!

  21. Thank you so much for sharing. I don't have any children myself but I love kids and I know it has to be extremely difficult. But wonderful people like you should have more kids because you will teach them to be such good people and we need those people in our world today. I hope and pray you have many more kids. Bless all your broken hearts. I know you still have little ones waiting to come join your family here on earth. XO

  22. I'm so sorry. My heart and prayers are with you and your family. My heart has always hurt for moms who had lost a baby. But this especially touched my heart because I lost my baby in August 2013 at about 9 weeks as well. We waited almost 10 years to try again because of health issues I have. My daughter, who is 9, was so incredibly excited to find out she'd finally be a big sister and she was so deeply heart broken when we had to tell her what had happened to the baby. We also know God has plans for us and we must wait and rest in that fact and have peace in knowing we will see that baby again. I know God has another baby planned for you as well. Love, hope and blessings to you and your family

  23. Sorry for your loss, My heart is heavy for yours at his time<3

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