Thursday, April 24, 2014

This Is Why

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago that I haven't been able to forget. She had just heard we lost our baby this past December and through a flood of words I know she wasn't processing through (a better word might be "filtering" through,) she said,

"Gosh, I think if I were you I would just give up. I'd just be content. I'd just...Stop."

It felt like someone sucker punched me in the stomach right at that moment. All these thoughts swarmed through my mind. Does she really think that? Do other people think that? Should I stop? Should I give up? Do people think I'm not content?? Why don't I just stop? Why don't I give up?

Right about that very moment Mia came running up to me and wrapped herself around my leg. I looked down at her, blinking tears away as quickly as I could and she just looked right back up at me and smiled. That girl. I just look at her and the love she has for me is intense. It's like a little peak straight into heaven. A reminder. 

And then all those ugly thoughts of doubt and fear...They stopped right then.
 "This is why."

This little life, this little girl... This is why. 

When we first met, Brandon asked me "How many kids do you want?" I'll never forget his face when he asked me or where we were. I can see it in my head so clearly still.

Without hesitation I answered, "Four."

"Me too"

There's too much to gain to not keep asking for, keep believing for, braving, and hoping for. Yes I know what loss and grief and sadness is. But I know what hope, and love and the gift that life is even more. I feel the precious heavy weight of it. I hold it in my arms every day. Lay my hands on its head at night as I pray, watch as it sings and twirls in the afternoon sun.
And I whisper these words to myself...

These 3.
This gift. This life.
This beautiful moment.
This is why.