Thursday, April 24, 2014

This Is Why












I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago that I haven't been able to forget. She had just heard we lost our baby this past December and through a flood of words I know she wasn't processing through (a better word might be "filtering" through,) she said,

"Gosh, I think if I were you I would just give up. I'd just be content. I'd just...Stop."

It felt like someone sucker punched me in the stomach right at that moment. All these thoughts swarmed through my mind. Does she really think that? Do other people think that? Should I stop? Should I give up? Do people think I'm not content?? Why don't I just stop? Why don't I give up?

Right about that very moment Mia came running up to me and wrapped herself around my leg. I looked down at her, blinking tears away as quickly as I could and she just looked right back up at me and smiled. That girl. I just look at her and the love she has for me is intense. It's like a little peak straight into heaven. A reminder. 

And then all those ugly thoughts of doubt and fear...They stopped right then.
 "This is why."

This little life, this little girl... This is why. 

When we first met, Brandon asked me "How many kids do you want?" I'll never forget his face when he asked me or where we were. I can see it in my head so clearly still.

Without hesitation I answered, "Four."

"Me too"

There's too much to gain to not keep asking for, keep believing for, braving, and hoping for. Yes I know what loss and grief and sadness is. But I know what hope, and love and the gift that life is even more. I feel the precious heavy weight of it. I hold it in my arms every day. Lay my hands on its head at night as I pray, watch as it sings and twirls in the afternoon sun.
And I whisper these words to myself...

These 3.
This gift. This life.
This beautiful moment.
This is why.

9 comments:

  1. Such a beautiful post. Sometime people (myself included don't filter through their thoughts). LEarning to take what people say with grace and live the life God intended! :)

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  2. Beautiful Laura. If we give up hope what then, is left. Love you girl.

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  3. LOVE this!! Every so often I get that feeling like someone is missing so we have another baby and I'm like, "YES! God put that on my momma heart for this sweet one to be here with us now." (We have four now and I'm feeling like we are still missing one... or two! Eeeep!) The Lord puts those desires in your heart for His will and purposes. "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (or the world's) and in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"... Once that sweet one is in your arms, you'll NEVER regret it! You're an awesome mommy and proof of it is in your heart to not give up on the life that is yet to be! It's a very Christ-like love and so beautiful.

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  4. Beautiful people like you should keep trying to have kids. You bring great little ones into this world. Hope you both bring many more children into this world. Keep trying and keep going. You also have people cheering you on the other side.

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  5. I too wondered why you kept trying when you had to deal with so much pain with the loss that you experienced. Thank you for letting us see this from your perspective. You have a gift with words & touch us with the words that come straight from your heart.

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  6. Laura, so thankful I found your blog. On October 27th, 2013 we welcomed our 4th child I yuk the world and 3 days later she left my arms for Our Fathers! I miss her like crazy but have found so much peace and comfort in The Lord! I look forward to the day I can hold our 5th child in my arms! I pray for it everyday! We as moms know when our family doesn't feel complete! There are a pair of feet missing in our house. Although no child will take the place of Lucy I know he or she can bring a lot of joy and happiness to our hurting hearts!! I hope to hear from you! My blog is www.thehuntersimpsons.blogspot.com.
    Blessings,
    Mimi

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    Replies
    1. there's been many times I've felt like someone was missing. I'll count heads and see that theyre all there, but the feeling stays. you put it perfectly.
      and i LOVE the name lucy. your beautiful girl is dancing in heaven.

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