Thursday, May 29, 2014

Changes & My Hair & Letting Go

So I'm going to try really hard not to turn a post about a haircut into something super deep, but I can't make any promises. 1) because it's me and 2) there really is more to my sudden decision to chop my hair than vanity. Although shoot, we all know it has something to do with it. I'm a girl after all. But still, it's deeper. 

I said it in my last post that there has been a lot of new things happening in our lives. Lots of changes. Usually when change is happening and new things are happening, and I change my hair it's because I'm feeling out of control of everything else. So I do something with what I can control. Does that make sense? If you look back on pictures of my life when something big was happening.. life changing, hair was some kind of different style.  

When I was pregnant with Grace, I cut my hair short. When we lost her, I cut it even shorter.  Over those couple of years I'd let it grow out a little then chop it again. Back and forth, back and forth. It was totally a reflection of how I was feeling inside. Completely out of control. Insecure in what was happening in my life. A lot of sadness mixed in with happiness too. I had Bella and then we lost Faith and then I had Mia. By the time I'd given birth to her my hair was super short again. 

That was 3 1/2 years ago and I haven't cut it short since. I told myself I would never ever cut my hair again. I tied short hair with feelings of loss and struggle and uncertainty and once I had Mia and this sense of intense relief came, I never wanted to go back there again. Never wanted to be that person again. 

I would have nightmares where I woke up with this heavy feeling of sadness I couldn't shake that I had cut my hair. I had no idea up until today how much my spirit and soul and emotions have been tied to my hair. Feeling out of control, feeling in control...

Then a few days ago as this shift in my spirit is happening and I'm feeling all of these new amazing, good things happening and a new season coming, I think to myself...I would love to cut my hair but I can't. 
But wait, why can't I?? And when I really started to think about the reasons why I felt like I couldn't, I realized what lies they all were. What control this has had over me. When we lost the baby in December I remember going through some of the hardest days right around Christmas and having to put on a happy face and a cute outfit and thinking, "good thing my hair still looks good.".... Hiding behind it like maybe all the junk my heart was feeling would just go away.

Of course it didn't. Not right away and not on it's own. These last few months God has been doing a major work on my heart. I feel like especially right now my focus has never been more clear. My confidence and security feels so solid. There are some things I'm unsure of right now, some things my heart cries out for, that I can't say for sure I'll have. But even still, I have never felt so strong. I don't feel in control and I don't feel out of control. I feel strong. 

And so the time just felt right.

I literally had to catch my breath the moment I felt the first cut. My hair laying in a pile on the floor. I was in shock as I left the salon. I got lost driving back home even though I've been there multiple times and even had to turn around 3 times. I found myself wandering Target picking up candle after candle trying to decide on the "cotton candy" or "lemond drop" scent in a complete daze. My phone going off every two seconds with my sisters and friends and mom asking me how I liked my hair. I didn't know. I mean yes, I liked my hair but I was trying to process how I felt because I didn't recognize how I felt. It was the strangest feeling...and then I realized, I had let it all go. All of those years of holding on, I had finally let it go. Laying there in the pile on the floor of the salon. 

Whether I've got long hair, or short hair, it doesn't matter.  Whether I feel out of control or in control, whether I think I know what my future holds or I don't, whether I've got a plan, or I don't...whether it does or it doesn't... I'm confident in one thing- I'll be ok. I won't be devoured, or consumed. And I will see the goodness of the Lord. I know this because I already have time and time again. 

Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

Here are some extra shots of the cut for those who were asking on my instagram page. Which by the way blew me away by all of the amazing responses. Yall sure know how to make a girl feel good. Thank you! and if I could, I'd hug every one of you.

Also!! If you live in San Antonio and want an awesome hair girl, please go visit my girl Michele at Salon Vense. She also does my color (which is highlights on my naturally dark-ish brown hair for those who asked about my color) She's offering you 10% off a cut, or 20% off a cut & color if you tell her I sent you. 

P.S This post never had a chance to not be deep. I totes lied. My apologies. 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I will not let instagram eat my blog

The last few months, I've let myself get pretty lazy with the upkeep of my blog. Instagram has become my crutch. My easy way out. My fun little side thing that doesn't take much time and is quick and easy.

Truth is there are a TON of new things and lots of changes happening in our lives and when it comes to finding the time to write, I've sort of let it fall way down on my daily list. Like even under the part of my list that says "watch Law & Order SVU with Brandon until I can't keep my eyes open"

But I love to write. I really do. It's a release for me. I never started this blog with intentions of it becoming anything except expressing my heart and telling our stories. The fact that I've let so much go without writing about them makes me a little sad.

I mean sure, I've written so many stories in my head. While I'm running, or laying in bed at night, or the rare times I'm in a quiet car alone. I write stories. And I can feel that same nudge from when I started this blog 3 years ago saying "Tell them. Tell those stories"..
But how on earth could I write about that? How can I share that? It's too much! Too much for a blog!
Who is even still reading? Who really cares to? Anyone? Bueller?

And all I hear back is "Just Start."

If I'm truly living for an audience of one then all of those questions are already answered, right?
So I'm going to do that. I'm going to start telling my stories again.

Please don't think it will always be heavy cause I have plans on sharing my whole30 experience here and also another huge change that I'm making soon. Totally vain. Nothing big I swear ;) But still I'm excited to share them here. Cause seriously y'all, God is not asking me, or you or us to have it all together and perfected into a pretty little package with a bow on top with lots of really well said perfect words. He's just asking us to let him use us. Use those passions. Use those talents and interests.  So what are yours? I bet there's some way you can extend them a bit further and let God use them too.

If your still checking in on my blog, thank you. It has and will always be a blessing to me. I'm excited for this new chapter & season we are going into and I'm excited to tell the stories of them as we go.