Thursday, May 29, 2014

Changes & My Hair & Letting Go



So I'm going to try really hard not to turn a post about a haircut into something super deep, but I can't make any promises. 1) because it's me and 2) there really is more to my sudden decision to chop my hair than vanity. Although shoot, we all know it has something to do with it. I'm a girl after all. But still, it's deeper. 

I said it in my last post that there has been a lot of new things happening in our lives. Lots of changes. Usually when change is happening and new things are happening, and I change my hair it's because I'm feeling out of control of everything else. So I do something with what I can control. Does that make sense? If you look back on pictures of my life when something big was happening.. life changing, traumatic...my hair was some kind of different style.  

When I was pregnant with Grace, I cut my hair short. When we lost her, I cut it even shorter.  Over those couple of years I'd let it grow out a little then chop it again. Back and forth, back and forth. It was totally a reflection of how I was feeling inside. Completely out of control. Insecure in what was happening in my life. A lot of sadness mixed in with happiness too. I had Bella and then we lost Faith and then I had Mia. By the time I'd given birth to her my hair was super short again. 

That was 3 1/2 years ago and I haven't cut it short since. I told myself I would never ever cut my hair again. I tied short hair with feelings of loss and struggle and uncertainty and once I had Mia and this sense of intense relief came, I never wanted to go back there again. Never wanted to be that person again. 

I would have nightmares where I woke up with this heavy feeling of sadness I couldn't shake that I had cut my hair. I had no idea up until today how much my spirit and soul and emotions have been tied to my hair. Feeling out of control, feeling in control...

Then a few days ago as this shift in my spirit is happening and I'm feeling all of these new amazing, good things happening and a new season coming, I think to myself...I would love to cut my hair but I can't. 
But wait, why can't I?? And when I really started to think about the reasons why I felt like I couldn't, I realized what lies they all were. What control this has had over me. When we lost the baby in December I remember going through some of the hardest days right around Christmas and having to put on a happy face and a cute outfit and thinking, "good thing my hair still looks good.".... Hiding behind it like maybe all the junk my heart was feeling would just go away.

Of course it didn't. Not right away and not on it's own. These last few months God has been doing a major work on my heart. I feel like especially right now my focus has never been more clear. My confidence and security feels so solid. There are some things I'm unsure of right now, some things my heart cries out for, that I can't say for sure I'll have. But even still, I have never felt so strong. I don't feel in control and I don't feel out of control. I feel strong. 

And so the time just felt right.


I literally had to catch my breath the moment I felt the first cut. My hair laying in a pile on the floor. I was in shock as I left the salon. I got lost driving back home even though I've been there multiple times and even had to turn around 3 times. I found myself wandering Target picking up candle after candle trying to decide on the "cotton candy" or "lemond drop" scent in a complete daze. My phone going off every two seconds with my sisters and friends and mom asking me how I liked my hair. I didn't know. I mean yes, I liked my hair but I was trying to process how I felt because I didn't recognize how I felt. It was the strangest feeling...and then I realized, I had let it all go. All of those years of holding on, I had finally let it go. Laying there in the pile on the floor of the salon. 

Whether I've got long hair, or short hair, it doesn't matter.  Whether I feel out of control or in control, whether I think I know what my future holds or I don't, whether I've got a plan, or I don't...whether it does or it doesn't... I'm confident in one thing- I'll be ok. I won't be devoured, or consumed. And I will see the goodness of the Lord. I know this because I already have time and time again. 

Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.



Here are some extra shots of the cut for those who were asking on my instagram page. Which by the way blew me away by all of the amazing responses. Yall sure know how to make a girl feel good. Thank you! and if I could, I'd hug every one of you.



Also!! If you live in San Antonio and want an awesome hair girl, please go visit my girl Michele at Salon Vense. She also does my color (which is highlights on my naturally dark-ish brown hair for those who asked about my color) She's offering you 10% off a cut, or 20% off a cut & color if you tell her I sent you. 

P.S This post never had a chance to not be deep. I totes lied. My apologies. 
xoxo 
Laura 


11 comments:

  1. I love this post! Thanks for sharing. I love your new hair, but more importantly the freedom God has given you.So beautiful.

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  2. Many thanks for the amazing essay I really gained a lot of info. That I was searching for

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  3. Oh my goodness you are rocking that short hair, you look great!

    More importantly though, this part of your post: Whether I've got long hair, or short hair, it doesn't matter. Whether I feel out of control or in control, whether I think I know what my future holds or I don't, whether I've got a plan, or I don't...whether it does or it doesn't... I'm confident in one thing- I'll be ok. I won't be devoured, or consumed. And I will see the goodness of the Lord. I know this because I already have time and time again.
    That's just awesome and beautiful!

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  4. Girl I can totally relate. So proud of you. Looks great! xo

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  5. Great post. I absolutetly love your hair. You're beautiful inside and out!

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  6. beautiful hair and beautiful words. thank you for sharing!

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  7. Beautiful post! LOVE your new cut!! I had chills as you described that first snip and your ah-ha moment in Target.

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  8. You are so beautiful inside and out Laura!! Love the new hair! Xo!

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  9. i love you. love the hair. and most of all i love that you feel things so deeply. i can totally relate, everything has meaning…
    also that cotton candy candle smells BOMB. i wanted to buy it but i refrained I'm pretty sure i would have tried to eat it.

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